tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-88513959168293122732024-03-13T07:44:43.282-07:00Fighting For My Free SpiritKristen Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11786282633255335937noreply@blogger.comBlogger78125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8851395916829312273.post-6850189082129266492011-07-26T23:02:00.000-07:002011-07-26T23:11:52.056-07:00Eight Months.It's been eight months since I've last written....holy moly! A lot has happened. I've missed writing. I've "written" countless posts in my head while laying in bed, driving on the freeway, eating dinner, etc... It's weird, as much as I loved to blog (and honestly still do), for some reason that I don't understand, I have felt as if I was rebelling against something I loved. I have had an internal attitude towards my blog. <div><br /></div><div>Tonight I was thinking about my therapists at Roger's Memorial.....Heather and Nick. I miss them. I miss you guys, if you are reading this. :) I was wishing I could have a couple "refresher" sessions with them. I'm doing well overall, but I still have my struggles. Somedays I handle them better than others. I think that's probably the case for every person with a heartbeat. There's just a few of us lucky ones that get this cherry on top called OCD. </div>Kristen Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11786282633255335937noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8851395916829312273.post-62220463604285005412010-11-15T23:02:00.001-08:002010-11-15T23:56:18.085-08:00What's my level....you ask?<div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_z3FCXYONkUA/TOIsxSGfnjI/AAAAAAAAAP8/rzJJmZ2k3zw/s1600/11.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 300px; height: 400px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_z3FCXYONkUA/TOIsxSGfnjI/AAAAAAAAAP8/rzJJmZ2k3zw/s400/11.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5540039716803419698" /></a></div><div><br /></div><div>If you actually think I licked the gas pump, ha....think again! :) Pumping gas without using layers of paper towels has been one of the most consistent exposures I have diligently stayed on top of. (And let me be clear...it is NOT because of licking the gas pump or even kissing it for that matter. :) I begin to feel a little panicky when my gas tank starts to run low, and I still get that punch to the stomach feeling when my hands first make contact with the grimy rubber and cold metal of the pump. Sometimes the intensity of my thoughts about how dirty and germ-ified the pump handle is almost gets the best of me, and I'll rub the palms of my hands strategically somewhere on my jeans where I think I'll be the least likely to come into contact with the germs again. Realizing that I am still giving into a compulsion when I do that, I try to justify it with "At least I didn't WASH my hands or use a barrier." Humph.....the rationalization!!! </div><div><br /></div><div>It seems like this last month has been exceptionally hard....or maybe it was just last week, but the week felt so long that I'm mistaking it as an entire month. I could spew many "reasons" as to why it felt so burdensome, but I'm pretty sure the reality is that I'm going through a bought of depression. When I look at my life, I am beyond blessed. I have everything I need and more than I deserve, yet I find myself coveting the things I don't have. Why does an attitude of contentment seem so difficult right now. Does my lack of contentment have anything to do with my depression? How do I choose contentment <i>despite </i>my depression, and what does that look like? </div><div><br /></div><div>My sister-in-law, Jessie, came to visit me for a couple days in the middle of last week for our long awaited and affectionately dubbed "Thelma & Louise" adventure. For her birthday in August, I bought her big sunglasses and a scarf and we planned to spend a couple days just us girls watching the classic movie, indulging in yumminess, and driving up the pacific coast highway with our hair blowing in the wind. The timing couldn't have been more perfect. Driving along the coast with no specific destination, feeling free to sing off tune while laughing at each other dancing in our seats, was amazing. I still felt anxious for the majority of the day, and it didn't "cure" my depression, but it gave me some perspective that I needed. Jessie found a quote by The Elephant Man that sums it up pretty well.....</div><div><br /></div><div>"My life is full because I know that I am loved." </div><div><br /></div><div>It is true....so true. I am loved.....loved by my family, my dear friends, and most importantly my Creator, the lover of my soul....because of this, my life is full. Acknowledging that truth while not beating myself up for feeling sad, depressed or anxious is an art I'm sure will take a long time to perfect. </div>Kristen Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11786282633255335937noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8851395916829312273.post-39611094498161812142010-10-16T10:44:00.000-07:002010-10-16T10:52:08.460-07:00Tonight!I am back in Wisconsin. A ton of memories and emotions have been billowing in......some good, some not so good. I'm here because Roger's Memorial Hospital asked me to share a part of my story at their annual fundraising gala which also happens to coincide with the OCD Foundations nationally broadcasted event called "OCD Stories: An evening of reflection, humor and education about OCD." I feel honored to be a part of this.<div><br /></div><div>Everyone is invited and welcome to be a part of this evening's events by watching it live at <a href="http://www.ocfoundation.org/awareness/">http://www.ocfoundation.org/awareness/</a> . </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Kristen Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11786282633255335937noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8851395916829312273.post-5872698024155279952010-10-04T22:53:00.000-07:002010-10-04T23:31:10.837-07:00My happy yellow room.Holy <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Moly</span>, it's been a long time!!! I've missed you, dear blog! I was reminded today that it's been exactly two months since I've written on my blog....yikes! Trying to pick something to write about seems a little overwhelming because if my mouth was speaking all that my mind is thinking, I'd have a severe case of <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">diarrhea</span> of the mouth or word <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">vomiting</span>......both are uncontrollable explosions.....so hopefully they get the point across as to how quickly thoughts are tumbling from my mind. :) <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">haha</span>. Oh goodness.<div><br /></div><div>I'm not exactly sure why I haven't been blogging.....nor have I been <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">journaling</span>. Sigh. It's literally one of my favorite <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">things to</span> do.....writing, that is.....so why I haven't been doing it is as much a mystery to me as it probably is to you. Sometimes it feels like an internal battle against what I know I love and what I know is good for me. I can't figure it out. But alas....here I am again, computer on my lap, glass of wine next to me, letting my fingers flow with the rhythm of my thoughts.</div><div><br /></div><div>Today was a good day. I woke up to light rain and grey skies. Love, love, love! I felt cozy and happy.</div><div><br /></div><div>A year ago right now, I was getting ready for all the craziness of being on the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">OCD</span> project. Actually, I wasn't really getting ready because I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Speaking of which, I do realize that I didn't share my thoughts on the last two episodes....maybe I'll get to that one of these days....maybe not.</div><div><br /></div><div>During a group at Roger's, we used colors to identify different emotions we felt and where we felt them throughout our bodies. Pink is my favorite color, but I discovered that yellow is my happy color. :) It makes me smile just thinking about it. So, this summer, one of my projects was to turn my room from just a room into a room that exudes happiness and embodies my free spirit. The transformation has been really fun.....painting, hunting for perfect little treasures to put around my room, bargain shopping on <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">craigslist</span>, rearranging, etc. It's not 100% done, but I heart it very, very much so far!! :)</div><div><br /></div><div><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_z3FCXYONkUA/TKrC_NfAbLI/AAAAAAAAAPk/qdKFSUpo6Zw/s400/IMG_1099.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5524442284130593970" /></div><div><br /></div><div>Look at my bright yellow wall!! It calmly SCREAMS happy, happy, happy! :) I love it. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_z3FCXYONkUA/TKrC_QnSkGI/AAAAAAAAAPs/gRJ9ZfOwzjM/s400/IMG_1098.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5524442284970643554" /></div><div><br /></div><div>I found this fabulous desk on <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">craigslist</span> and absolutely fell in love with it! My good friend, Sarah, and I stayed up till the wee hours of the morning painting it. It's rugged, uneven, and just perfect! </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 300px; height: 400px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_z3FCXYONkUA/TKrC_c5LO_I/AAAAAAAAAP0/29TRKgYaCq8/s400/IMG_1096.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5524442288266886130" /></div><div><br /></div><div>That empty space in the corner is eventually going to be the home to a huge, overstuffed, cozy, white chair. So excited! </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>So there it is......my happy, yellow room. :) </div>Kristen Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11786282633255335937noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8851395916829312273.post-83787817215787776372010-08-04T22:19:00.000-07:002010-08-04T22:38:38.776-07:00Sick on the couch.Sigh.......I don't really know why I haven't been blogging recently. I have SO much I want to write about. Writing is so therapeutic for me too, so it's a little bewildering as to why I've almost been avoiding it. Don't know. <div><br /></div><div>I've been a little under the weather today, with a gnarly head cold. Blah! The pressure between my nose and eyes makes me sneeze like crazy.....or at least makes me feel like I'm going to sneeze all the time. Ah-choo! </div><div><br /></div><div>I still plan on blogging my thoughts on the last couple episodes of the OCD project, and I definitely want to share my thoughts on the <a href="http://www.ocfoundation.org/">International OCD Foundation</a> convention my mom and I went to in DC. Oh, and I started doing yoga......have tons of things to share about that. :) And then there are all the "normal" day things that I've worked through, laughed through, cried through, and shrugged off with a "hmm." </div><div><br /></div><div>I'm still alive, just haven't been lively on my blog lately.....or facebook, or email, or phone calls..... eeek! </div><div><br /></div><div>Oh, and I have a super, super awesome story.....or follow up.....to my <a href="http://fightingformyfreespirit.blogspot.com/2010/03/church.html">church post</a>. Sooo fun!!</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Kristen Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11786282633255335937noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8851395916829312273.post-56433915296142438302010-07-16T20:26:00.000-07:002010-07-16T20:26:23.196-07:00Ollie sings a song with Uncle Theo<div>Oh my goodness. My mom and I are in our hotel room in DC after a long but fabulous first day of the International OCD conference. We just watched the final episode of The OCD Project (which I will write about when I am less tired and more focused) and then were watching silly videos on Youtube. Good times. We came across this one, which was filmed a little over a year ago when my precious little nephew, Oliver, was born. He is three days old in this video and he is a star in the making!!! Oh my....my mom and I watched it twice and could not stop laughing!!!!! Sooooo funny! </div><div><br /></div><div>Oh, Ollie....how you make my heart happy! :)</div><div><br /></div><object style="background-image:url(http://i3.ytimg.com/vi/VdQvw1mzYac/hqdefault.jpg)" width="480" height="295"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/VdQvw1mzYac&hl=en_US&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/VdQvw1mzYac&hl=en_US&fs=1" width="480" height="295" allowscriptaccess="never" allowfullscreen="true" wmode="transparent" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed></object>Kristen Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11786282633255335937noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8851395916829312273.post-39432072693395262632010-07-14T20:53:00.000-07:002010-07-14T21:06:02.264-07:00Shoes and dried vomit.<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal">I just arrived in Washington DC and my hair immediately went from straight to FRIZZY.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Holy moly!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I need a shower…..and definitely a shower longer than 5 minutes. :) I am in DC for the <a href="http://www.ocfoundation.org/">International OCD Foundation</a> (IOCDF) convention, and I am excited! I think it's going to be great. My mom flies in tomorrow, which I'm even more excited about! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal">I’m pretty sure airports and flying are perfect breeding grounds for anxiety…..even for the general population.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>For OCDers, that anxiety quickly morphs into a chaotic mess of obsessions and compulsions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>It’s like anxiety on crack.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>There are triggers everywhere, with everything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>The airport is one of my least favorite places to frequent....unless it's just to people watch. :) <span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Everything seems overly grimy and disgusting, and the hustle and bustle just enhances it all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Going through security nearly brings about a panic attack every single time!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> The only thing </span>my brain focuses on is all the shoes!!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Shoes everywhere.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>People taking off their shoes and throwing them on top of their bags and jackets and purses like it’s no big deal at all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>In reality, it’s……probably……no……big……deal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>That’s hard to say, because I’m still trying to grasp onto that fact.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>With my OCD frame of reference, it seems terrible!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>It feels paralyzing just watching people grab their shoes and toss them onto their stuff.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>……it’s something to work towards, I supposes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Ugh….even just typing that caused my stomach to drop and tense, and my heart to beat faster.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I hate this feeling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>My mind is spinning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I feel nauseous.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal">On a funnier note…..<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal">I board the plane in LAX, walk back to my seat….as in the back of the plane, back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I pretty much have the worst seat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Back of the plane, middle seat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>My <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">favorite.</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Having only had three hours of sleep, I am thoroughly looking forward to a nap on the plane.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>As if I haven’t been triggered enough in the two hours I’ve been awake, I find my seat and as I’m about to sit down I notice that there is dried vomit coating both sided of my seat belt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Oh HELL no!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>The two gentlemen sitting on either side of me were obviously confused with my half sitting posture which turned into a northbound leap.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Still holding my bags, I quickly maneuvered my way around the guy sitting in the aisle seat, and walked straight back to the galley where I calmly informed the stewardess that I needed to be reseated.</p><p class="MsoNormal">I was reseated. :) </p> <!--EndFragment-->Kristen Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11786282633255335937noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8851395916829312273.post-26668114052126428052010-07-12T00:00:00.000-07:002010-07-12T00:03:59.561-07:00Video is up.The Hollywood Hiking video is finally up! Woot-woot! :) To go back to the post in which it is embedded, click <a href="http://fightingformyfreespirit.blogspot.com/2010/06/simple-times-and-simple-videos-my.html">here</a>.Kristen Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11786282633255335937noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8851395916829312273.post-56365489230614118942010-07-11T22:55:00.001-07:002010-07-11T23:38:55.323-07:00The sani aisle.I had to run to Target tonight to pick up a few things. As I was pushing my cart toward the laundry detergent section, I glided by an entire aisle of sanitizer wipes and disinfectant sprays. It was almost nostalgic....but a punch in the stomach all at the same time. It was a special moment, really. That sounds kinda silly, but it really was. I looked at all the different colors and sizes of the sanitizer wipes, which have always been my favorite.....well, the sanitizer wipes and the hand sanitizer and hand soap, and..... okay, maybe they were all my favorites. Whatever. Back to my original thought. :) I haven't bought any of those things since last October! A slight smile swept across my face as I looked at all my favorite sanitizing products, remembering how I felt so soothed each time I would use them. I felt myself desiring that feeling again. That soothing, calm, peace.....regardless of its fleeting presence. I wanted to buy just a couple products. "For old times sake," I told myself. "Just a couple won't hurt. And besides, I won't use them all the time. I'll just keep them around, like 'normal' people." When I realized the thoughts I was having, I then felt that punch to my gut that I'm all too familiar with. <a href="http://fightingformyfreespirit.blogspot.com/2009/12/parrot-is-cussing.html">That flippin' parrot</a> trying to make his home on my shoulder again. AHHHHH!!!! Literally, I felt like screaming......right there in the middle of Target. If I appeared normal before, me screaming while looking at Clorox wipes standing in an aisle in Target was bound to make me appear otherwise. :) At that point, I knew it was time for me to resist and keep putting one foot in front of the other until I got to my original destination of the laundry detergent section. It's weird how I have such an internal and emotional reaction to something so silly, so normal, so good. I didn't like it. I don't want to be affected by the sani aisle. Oh, but it represents such a dichotomy in my mind. <div><br /></div><div>And all the cute little hand sanitizers they sell in the check out lane now. It's like they've come out with a million new versions since I "quit." :) Take them away, just take them away.</div><div><br /></div><div>BUT....I choose to embrace those moments (and the grimy, unsanitized handle of my shopping cart), and be thankful for yet another exposure in which I triumph over! </div>Kristen Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11786282633255335937noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8851395916829312273.post-38293603126476985052010-07-08T23:46:00.000-07:002010-07-09T01:58:31.392-07:00Episode 7Nothing soothes this frustrated female like a ginormous bowl of rocky road ice cream!!! :) <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Mmm</span>, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">mmm</span>, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">mmm</span>! <div><br /></div><div>I know I'm breaking my own rules of blogging about episode 7 before I've blogged my thoughts on episode 5 and 6......but oh well. </div><div><div><br /></div><div>Tonight's episode was quite possibly the most frustrating episode yet! Episode six was probably the hardest, but tonight's definitely took the cake for ruffling my feathers. I literally felt my chest and arms breaking out in hives as I watched the part where I was told to spread urine all over my room. And yes, it was real urine. Warm, frothy, smelly urine, served fresh to me daily. Awesome. And even though I specifically asked not to know who the donor was, I conveniently found a picture on <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">facebook</span> of the generous person. Double awesome. </div><div><br /></div><div>I know I've said this before, but what is <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">sooo</span> frustrating is that my desire to get better was constantly questioned by the person who was supposed to be helping me. It was never a matter of whether or not I wanted help......<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">geez</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">louise</span>......to this day, I am <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">sooo</span> grateful and humbled for all the treatment I received. I wanted help, I needed help, but "help" caused me to feel paralyzed.....or at least the "help" that was being presented to me on the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">OCD</span> Project. I didn't understand, and I wanted to. Tough love is a good thing, but <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">torturous</span> love......not so much. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">Ok</span>, so maybe that is a little dramatic..... :) but, it felt like <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">torture</span> at times. </div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Dr. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">Tolin</span>: "Kristen, Kristen! Your attitude is BS! You need to stop it!"</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Me: "This is BS!"</div><div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Dr. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">Tolin</span>: "If it's BS, then fire me, Kristen! You fight <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">OCD</span> or don't!"</div><div><br /></div><div>That little conversation was actually quite humorous for me to watch, only because of the ironic foreshadowing to a conversation that Dr. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15">Tolin</span> and I would have two months later. I highly doubt it will be shown on next week's episode, but just in case it is, I won't go into detail until next week. </div><div><br /></div><div>Cody, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_16">Arine</span> and I were close buddies throughout the entire three weeks. We looked forward to our nightly, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_17">un</span>-filmed conversations that we affectionately dubbed "our closet conversations." :) I miss those conversations......where we all spoke the same language without really having to say anything at all. The laughs, the tears, the deep conversations....such sweet memories. I love that they showed the part where Cody asked if I would kiss him with all the prosthetic deformities on his face. Even though I came across a little <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_18">biaaatchy</span>, I think I was actually quite supportive of Cody throughout that whole exposure. I'll call him tomorrow and ask him just to be sure. :) We even played a good game of tennis, and he would chase me with his crazy looking fake face, and I would freak out, we would laugh.....and then we were told to stop playing because sweat was making Cody's face melt off. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_19">Haha</span>! :) Priorities, priorities!! :) </div><div><br /></div><div>This has definitely been an interesting part of my journey.....watching the beginning of my treatment on TV. I think the basis of this show is actually quite amazing and fascinating. One of my goals was to help bring about awareness to a disorder that is so misunderstood, and through my own personal triumphs and also my frustrations, I have had amazing opportunities to do that. For that I am thankful. Other things I am so thankful for: </div><div><br /></div><div><a href="http://www.peaceofmind.com/">The Peace of Mind Foundation</a>. I loose my words when I try to come up with an appropriate way to thank them. Liz, who is periodically seen on the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_20">OCD</span> Project, started the Peace of Mind Foundation and generously offered to pay for aftercare for all six of us on the show. Had it not been for Liz and her foundation, I honestly don't know that my life would look any different today than it did nine months ago. Thank you, Liz!</div><div><br /></div><div>My <a href="http://fightingformyfreespirit.blogspot.com/2010/03/tribute.html">therapists</a> at Roger's Memorial Hospital. Bless them! :) </div><div><br /></div><div>My family. What a loud, boisterous bunch we can be.....but oh how life is sweet because of them. </div><div><br /></div><div>Most importantly, I'm thankful for Jesus. His gentle grace is truly amazing!</div></div>Kristen Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11786282633255335937noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8851395916829312273.post-18284964550984597032010-06-29T23:24:00.000-07:002010-07-11T23:57:04.558-07:00Simple times and simple videos. (My brother's words)The last few days have been a little rough for me. I felt myself starting to crash tonight.....as if I'm slipping into a funk. I don't like this feeling. It scares me. On Friday I noticed that I was performing rituals throughout my day more than I had in months. On Saturday it seemed to get worse. With every compulsion I gave into, it felt as if a thick river of guilt pumped through my veins. The fear that I'm relapsing has almost become an obsession in and of itself. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed.....like this curse will never leave me. When I feel like I have a handle on one set of obsessions, up springs a completely new set of fears and "what ifs." Will my mind ever rest? Will I ever truly be free? <div><br /></div><div>In all honestly, the last couple of months since I've been home, I have felt different.....and in many ways and on many days, that different feeling is a good one......a liberated one. It just feels like it doesn't come easily though. It's a constant fight to feel free......if that makes any sense at all?? </div><div><br /></div><div>I just feel a little discouraged. I've been washing my hands more often for no "real" reason at all. I've been using more soap....several pumps at a time and repeating the cycle. Last night I rubbed my feet before getting into bed, and it took everything in me to stop, because it just didn't feel right yet. I am constantly shaking my right foot.....constantly. And my avoidance of things causes me to feel as though I am paralyzed. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Ahhhh</span>......the list of compulsions I've given into the last few days could go on and on...... I feel embarrassed. Ashamed. How do I ask for help? How do I explain my struggle? It's hard to come up with the words when my only explanation is a mere description of something that seems so trivial, so natural, so common. Checking the front door lock, washing my hands, rubbing "dirt" off my feet before getting into bed, wanting things to be perfect.... But, it's more than that. My silly compulsions are an eloquent masquerade for the inner distress I feel but don't know how to explain. </div><div><br /></div><div>Visiting Theo and Jessie in Hollywood this last weekend was perfectly timed! I just love them. And I know I am loved by them. We turned life's simple moments into precious memories, and there's nothing that makes my heart smile more. On Sunday morning, I FINALLY <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">coerced</span> everybody into going on <a href="http://fightingformyfreespirit.blogspot.com/2010/04/hollywood-highway-of-hikers.html">"the hike"</a> with me.....the hike that I fell in love with while living with Theo and Jessie for seven weeks. For a few minutes, I think I was the least popular of the group, but when we arrived on the top of the "mountain", everyone had a great time and was glad they did it. And.....the best part about it..... :) Theo brought his camera and documented the whole thing, making a seriously awesome video that I'm pretty sure could convince anyone that hiking is the funnest (yes, FUNNEST) thing ever!!! :) </div><div><br /></div><div>And the cherry on top..... that fabulously handsome man making up the fourth person in our group!! :)</div><br /><object width="640" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/gAyA4764YR4&hl=en_US&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/gAyA4764YR4&hl=en_US&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="640" height="385"></embed></object>Kristen Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11786282633255335937noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8851395916829312273.post-58412568944457118992010-06-27T19:54:00.000-07:002010-06-28T15:29:19.197-07:00Episode 3 - Thoughts from the "Princess."<div>Where do I even start.... I'm going to just quote a few lines from the episode and go from there. </div><div><br /></div><div>These are Dr. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Tolin's</span> words: </div><div><br /></div><div>"I'm a little worried about Kristen. She withdraws into herself. I can't tell if she's depressed. I can't tell if she's anxious. I can't tell if she's mad. I'm just not sure. I want Kristen to be so sick and tired of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">OCD</span> that she is willing to be a little uncomfortable now in order to beat this <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">OCD</span>. If she can't drop the princess act, I don't know if she's going to be able to get better." </div><div><br /></div><div>That's a pretty big statement. One that I think <i>many</i> doctors and <i>renowned </i>psychologists would strongly disagree with. I think the issue was more with the type of exposures and how they were being presented to me than with this so called "princess act" Dr. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Tolin</span> was referring to. I absolutely won't deny that I had an attitude at times, but it definitely was NOT because I wasn't motivated or wanting to get better. In fact, I specifically recall, on <i>several</i> occasions asking Dr. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Tolin</span> and the producers for any sort of literature and/or research on this type of therapy, so that I could better understand why I had to do things that seemed not only scary to me, but also a little ridiculous. Dr. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Tolin's</span> response to me was always something to the effect of, "Kristen, stop arguing and get with the program." It was frustrating to me then and it's frustrating to me now, because my intention was not to buck the system, rather it was to understand my disorder and the therapy that could help me get a handle on it. I wanted to understand so that I could be on board with my own treatment and work as a team with the people trying to help me. But, I didn't have access to <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">internet</span>, newspapers, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">tv</span>, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">un</span>-recorded phones or any form of media or literature where I could do my own research. So, yes, I was depressed. I was VERY anxious. And yes, I was mad. Those were good observations for someone who eluded to not being able to read me. </div><div><br /></div><div>As for being sick and tired of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">OCD</span>..... <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">paaaalease</span>. I hate <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">OCD</span> with every fiber in me! For goodness sakes......I don't even know what else to say about how much I hate it.....how much I wish I didn't have to deal with horrible anxiety.....or the complete embarrassment and shame I've felt for so many years because of my compulsions. I understood that exposures were going to be uncomfortable, and I was more than willing to be uncomfortable for three weeks....four months.....eight months....oh, even a few years. But there is a HUGE difference between uncomfortable and panicking. The treatment team at <a href="http://rogershospital.org/ocad/">Roger's Memorial Hospital's </a><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12"><a href="http://rogershospital.org/ocad/">OCD</a></span><a href="http://rogershospital.org/ocad/"> program</a> said to me over and over and over again, "We want your exposures to be challenging yet manageable." Incredible, absolutely incredible! If exposures are challenging, yet manageable, then I am able to habituate not only while I'm doing the exposure, but also in between exposures as well. (For more of an explanation on this, click <a href="http://fightingformyfreespirit.blogspot.com/2009/12/interesting-info.html">here</a>.) The exposures I was being asked to do on The <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">OCD</span> Project were way, way, way too high up on my exposure <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">hierarchy</span> than what I should have been doing that early on in my treatment. They weren't effective because I was panicking, and they were never repeated enough times to allow for between trial habituation. </div><div><br /></div><div>I felt tremendous shame when I was asked to shake hands with homeless people. It had nothing to do with the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15">socioeconomics</span> of the situation. In fact, my heart broke and I felt shame because I felt like we were totally patronizing the people who live on the streets of LA. We barge into their community with cameras and proceed to hand out $5 gift certificates to a fast food restaurant as we are asked to do things that from all outward appearances could easily be misinterpreted as very condescending to those living in that area. It just felt as though we were handing out $5 gift cards as a way of appeasing our conscious as we accomplished our own motives without regard for the feelings of anyone but ourselves. It just didn't feel right to me. It was hard on so many levels.... As far as my treatment was concerned, I could have reached the same end goal by shaking the hands of people in the house. </div><div><br /></div><div><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_16">Ok</span>, enough for now. More later.....</div>Kristen Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11786282633255335937noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8851395916829312273.post-52110464628515749872010-06-23T08:44:00.000-07:002010-06-23T09:09:58.325-07:00The quiet of the morning.Wow, I've been terrible at blogging over the last couple weeks. It's definitely not because I have a shortage of words. Quite the contrary. It seems like work picked up for me overnight and now my days are extremely busy, which has been an adjustment for me in and of itself. Getting back into a work routine after several months of my focus being solely on recovery has been exciting and also overwhelming. <div><br /></div><div>I have <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">soooo</span> many thoughts on the last two episodes. I have to grab some breakfast and get ready for my day so I don't have time to do my <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">therapeutic</span> writing at the moment, but oh.....how I want to dive right in. Writing is such an escape for me. Sometime it's hard for me to sit down and get started, but the moment I start stringing words together, everything around me seems to quiet down. Sometimes during my days when life feels a little too chaotic, I find myself pretending to write.....composing sentences as if I were <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">journaling</span> or blogging. :) </div><div><br /></div><div>Anyway, I WILL share my thoughts on these crazy episodes...... soon. </div>Kristen Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11786282633255335937noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8851395916829312273.post-38820331859548763982010-06-10T09:25:00.000-07:002010-06-20T10:20:47.286-07:00Living with an OCDer.Watching the <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">OCD</span> project was extremely heart wrenching. The thought of six individuals not being able to control their life or live one “normal” day. What is normal to them? Or who is normal? For the past year, I have lived with a “normal” roommate. Kristen has a great job, fabulous family, friends and a fun social life. And as many of you know she is a little over dramatic, or is that just passion? Passion to be normal? What ever the case, I look at her for her…a friend who is normal and passionate about life. Little did I know that she has been fighting for her free spirit and struggling to live what she sees as a normal life everyday.<br /><br />Don’t think that you have to cater to people with <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">OCD</span>, it will only enable them. I am sure she gasps when I lay on the floor where dirty shoes have been, put my shoes on the couch, on my bed…or worst of all in my PURSE. Isn't that why we all have huge purses, in case our feet hurt and we need to change our shoes? :) Kristen told me that she had <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">OCD</span> when she moved in, but I shrugged it off and thought, "Don't we all?" I didn't know what she meant by that. Sure she loved to wash her hands and feet and hold onto moist paper towels, but I did not cater to her then so why should I now. The only difference is now I know what her triggers are and what her rituals look like and I support her so she can get better and let go of her internal struggle.<br /><br />I do have to say, sometimes it is easy to make a joke out of her rituals. The night Kristen came home from The <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">OCD</span> Project to spend the night and film her “coming home” episode (Stay tuned, it is an intense one), she had only 30 seconds to wash her hands. Theo, Jessie and I all stood in the bathroom with the iPhone and counted down the seconds yelling at her to go faster and yelling “only one pump of soap”. It was great to see her count down with us and laugh about the fact that she washes her hands for way to long and easily uses 5 pumps of soap at a time.<br /><br />Opening up about her <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">OCD</span> has changed Kristen as a person. I am finally seeing that “Free Spirit” in her which she and her family have always known her to be.<br /><br /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><i><b>Living with an </b></i></span><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><i><b>OCDer</b></i></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><i><b>,</b></i></span><i><b><br /><br /></b></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><i><b>Michelle</b></i></span>Kristen Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11786282633255335937noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8851395916829312273.post-441511240743893642010-06-09T21:44:00.000-07:002010-06-10T09:25:10.977-07:00My roommate, my friend....<div style="text-align: center;">This is Michelle. </div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_z3FCXYONkUA/TBEMvaHhhbI/AAAAAAAAAPU/Bq5QAF7p-S0/s1600/IMG_7639.JPG"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 267px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_z3FCXYONkUA/TBEMvaHhhbI/AAAAAAAAAPU/Bq5QAF7p-S0/s400/IMG_7639.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5481176230090868146" /></a></div><div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div><div style="text-align: center;">She is my roommate, and nothing short of a complete blessing to me. I value her friendship, her support, her input, and most of all her contagious love for life. She always finds the best in people, always kind, and always loyal. I am so thankful for her!</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">I know she has a very unique view on me and my OCD......I mean she lives with me!!! :) She has decided to do a post towards the beginning of every month, giving some insight into what life is like "Living with an OCDer."</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 267px; height: 400px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_z3FCXYONkUA/TBEMvJQIlSI/AAAAAAAAAPM/BGiR7okCCcM/s400/31408_581331519896_8500021_33718014_8054581_n.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5481176225563579682" /></div></div></div>Kristen Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11786282633255335937noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8851395916829312273.post-64534087717430758882010-06-07T10:20:00.000-07:002010-06-08T00:17:31.675-07:00Episode 2<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal">I apologize that I didn’t get my thoughts on episode 2 up on Friday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>To be honest, I completely forgot on Friday, and I wasn’t home very much over the weekend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Anyway…..<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Here are some of my thoughts….</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Episode two…..well, it was interesting to say the least….even for me to watch.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I was actually pretty frustrated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>The most frustrating thing about the whole episode was when Dr. Tolin was trying to figure out what my triggers are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>This was my first time in treatment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I had never fully verbalized my obsessions or compulsions to anyone, for fear that I would actually be labeled crazy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>And here I was, sitting in front of a psychologist who wanted me to identify….specifically…..what triggered me – what I obsessed over. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Seriously??<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>It didn’t sit well with me then, and it seems especially unfair and unrealistic to me now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">Of course</i> I wanted to specifically hone in on what exactly triggered me, but it wasn’t realistic to figure that out in ONE “therapy” session that was under an hour long.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I felt very pressured to figure it out, and somehow the conclusion we came to was male genitalia??<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Ahhh…..sooo frustrating, because I knew there was more to my obsessions than that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I knew that wasn’t the basis of my fears.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Although I do think it is extremely disgusting for people (men or women) to use the restroom without washing their hands……<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal"><u>AND SMELLY</u></b>!!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>(My favorite line of the whole episode!! <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:Wingdings, serif;">:)</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>haha!)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal">After arriving at Roger’s, and spending COUNTLESS hours with my amazing behavior therapist there, I was able to specifically and accurately identify my triggers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>All my obsessions revolve around three things….<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>hands, shoes, and urine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>That realization…..or discovery…..sat well with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>It was spot on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I got stuck in my cycle of compulsions because I was obsessing about dirty hands and what they were touching, all the germs shoes spread, and urine was the ultimate “germ” that I was afraid of.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>It really has nothing to do with male genitalia.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>Just for the record.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:Wingdings, serif;">:)</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal">To be fair, it was a TV show, so we weren’t afforded the luxury of extensive therapy sessions because that would not have appealed to TV audiences.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>I totally understand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>It’s just a fine line because on one hand there were six people with fragile and vulnerable issues that needed to be discussed and worked through in order to come to a complete understanding of why we behaved in the ways that we did.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>However, on the other hand, this show needed to captivate and keep the interest of the general public, so the pace was definitely sped up and things happened a little more dramatically than they would in a treatment center that was not filmed 24-7.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>It makes complete sense.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>And that’s why I have my blog…..<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:Wingdings, serif;">:)</span></p> <!--EndFragment-->Kristen Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11786282633255335937noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8851395916829312273.post-41145512459651164862010-06-03T23:25:00.000-07:002010-06-03T23:38:02.505-07:00Thinking.I just finished watching episode 2 with my roommate and another friend. I have a lot of thoughts...... <div><br /></div><div>I think I am going to head to bed, pray, clear my head, and jump into my "recap" tomorrow sometime. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><i>Obsessively, compulsively.....</i></div><div>Yours truly.</div><div><br /></div><div>And P.S. I am soooo extremely thankful for my roommate! She has been an INCREDIBLE support to me, learning about OCD in a non-chalant way, never treating me different than anything but "normal", and always giving me a good, firm "reality check" pep talk when I need it the most. </div>Kristen Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11786282633255335937noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8851395916829312273.post-89515033393178974442010-06-01T10:18:00.000-07:002010-06-01T10:41:19.225-07:00More thoughts about episode 1.....Not sure how many people have seen the trailer for The <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">OCD</span> Project, but it is pretty intense.....to say the least. I was somewhat frustrated when I saw it, because I thought....."That is crazy!! If I watched that trailer seven months ago, there is NO WAY I would have even considered the idea of getting any sort of treatment for my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">OCD</span>!!" <div><br /></div><div>So, coming from someone who has had quite a variety of treatment, I ASSURE you that what you saw on the trailer and teasers for what's to come in the remaining episodes is NOT how <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">OCD</span> is generally treated. Let me clarify.....the general idea of Exposure Response Prevention is accurate, but the intensity that the show portrays is very rarely used. The intensity bordered on "flooding" in my opinion, which from everything I've read on flooding, does not have a very high success rate. In other words, people who are treated by methods of flooding are very likely to quit treatment before any positive changes have taken place. I have heard numbers as high as 90% failure rate when flooding is used. PLEASE NOTE: I have done NO professional research of my own. I have just read articles, talked to people, and have gone through seven months of therapy. </div><div><br /></div><div>Exposure Response Prevention (<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">ERP</span>), used correctly, is VERY effective for treating <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">OCD</span>. It is not a therapy that can be rushed as there are many components to it, repetition being one of the most <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">crucial</span>. I will talk about this more as the show progresses, and I have also written a lot about it in previous posts if you want to go back and read those. </div><div><br /></div><div>To anyone who is struggling with <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">OCD</span>...... There is help. Help that is "challenging, yet manageable" as <a href="http://rogershospital.org/ocad/">Roger's Memorial Hospital</a> puts it. Manageable is the key. </div>Kristen Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11786282633255335937noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8851395916829312273.post-22467649302835690802010-05-28T23:07:00.002-07:002010-05-29T00:38:59.602-07:00Episode 1Well.... made it through episode one. Whew..... <div><br /></div><div>Watching it brought back so many memories. But before I get into all those details, I do have to say that I <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">LOL</span> when Liz said, "We're just waiting on Kristen" and I was in the bathroom washing my feet. Classic. Seriously, such a typical scenario.....huh, Love family and roommate, Michelle? :) </div><div><br /></div><div>I found myself nodding my head through the whole episode, still in awe that I am not the only one who has these crazy thoughts and nonsensical compulsions. As I listened to my housemates talk about their feelings surrounding their obsessions and compulsions, it still feels surreal to me.....as though they are vocalizing some of the <i>very</i> thoughts that go through my head. That was probably the most amazing thing for me throughout treatment, was discovering that....in an ironic sort of way....I am normal.....that I had a mutual understanding with my peers without having to even say anything. We could finish each other's sentences when we were talking about our struggle with <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">OCD</span>. Things like, other people having physical pain in various parts of their body because of the repetition of compulsions......I had no idea. I thought I was alone in my craziness of repeating things despite how my skin dried out and cracked, or my ankles and knees hurt. </div><div><br /></div><div>After we all arrived and checked in that first day, we ended up all sitting around the table outside by the pool talking for quite a while. I was pretty quiet at first, just listening to everyone else talking. (Probably the only time I was quiet on the whole show....<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">eeek</span>!) I was mostly interested in finding out what types of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">OCD</span> everyone else had.....I just wanted to get right to the point. As they began talking about their <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">OCD</span>, I was shocked......emotional almost. It was the first time I had ever heard anyone verbalize, almost verbatim, the thoughts I had been wrestling with for years. There was an instant connection. We all spoke the same language. </div><div><br /></div><div>Watching who I was seven months ago is.....weird. Holy Moly....I was a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">flippin</span>' machine when it came to washing my hands.....and drying my hands.....oh my! I seriously can't believe how intensely I washed and dried my hands. I am really proud to say that I have not even gone through half a gallon of hand soap since I returned home!! That is a drastic improvement from the one gallon of hand soap I would go through in 10 days! No joke. I still fight the urge to re-wash every time I do wash my hands, but every time I resist, it gets a tad bit easier the next time. I hardly use lotion any more either, because my hands are not dry and peeling. What's interesting about that, is that I've always had fairly soft hands despite how much I washed them, but that was because it was so important for me to hide all indications of having a problem that I would go through lotion just as quickly as I went through soap. </div><div><br /></div><div>My mind is racing right now with all sorts of things that I want to write about, but so as to not overwhelm, I will write more of my thoughts throughout the week. However, I do want to finish with a pretty funny story that was not completely shown on last night's episode. </div><div><br /></div><div>So.....I was the first person to arrive at the house, and as you saw, I was not exactly excited about the bathroom situation. Well, after I checked in, I used the restroom, then went to wash my hands at the bathroom sink for the first time (which I guess was timed at 4min, 47 sec). <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Ok</span>, so this ginormous bathroom we all had the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">luxury</span> of sharing was 80's fabulous, and I could not figure out how to turn the sink on; therefore, immediately assuming that we did not have access to water in the sinks (to prevent me from washing). I instantaneously began freaking out, but had prepared for an "emergency" like this and went to my suitcase to use a <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">plethora</span> of cleaning products I had brought along with me. That not being enough......I eventually thought I had cheated the system when I discovered there was water in the bath tub to wash my hands = soothe my soul! I soon found out that nope, no water had been turned off......I was just a little, um....retarded shall we say. But, the one redeeming fact is that I was NOT the only one who couldn't figure out how to turn the faucet on.....I was just the most dramatic about it.....sulking and pouting in my room for a good hour thinking they were all out to get me. Oh, Kristen.......... :) </div><div><br /></div><div>The freedom and strength that comes from sharing struggles and discovering that your not alone in your struggle is honestly the most amazing thing that I am still learning through this whole process. Life is truly meant to be lived in community....not just superficial community, but in community that embraces vulnerability, brokenness, restoration and acceptance. Even now, I still struggle with being vulnerable in a face-to-face conversation......it's awkward and completely humbling at times, but watching the six of us on the show was a refreshing reminder of how completely liberating....and strengthening....and necessary it is to live life together as a community. </div>Kristen Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11786282633255335937noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8851395916829312273.post-32318317971607030672010-05-24T21:07:00.003-07:002010-05-25T01:17:08.941-07:00The OCD ProjectThe beginning of my treatment journey began last summer when I received an email from my brother, Theo. I don't know that my reception of this particular email would have been welcomed had it come from anyone else. All Theo wrote to me was, "I think you should apply." Below his single sentence to me was an ad he had found looking for people struggling with OCD to receive free, intensive, professional therapy for three weeks while being filmed for a new documentary-style reality show. Long story short.... I applied, and a couple months later, I nervously walked into the house I would be living in for the next three weeks. <div><br /></div><div>Seven months later, I nervously announce that "The OCD Project" will be airing this Thursday night, May 27th, at 10pm PST on VH1. </div><div><br /></div><div>After applying and waiting to hear whether or not I would be selected to receive this help, I went back and forth as to whether or not this was the right avenue for me to get help for my OCD. My OCD was a struggle that I had kept secret, and to go public.....really public, with it, was not a decision to take lightly. I remember my mom telling me on the phone one day, "Kristen, you have to have a greater purpose for doing a show like this than to just get help for yourself. If your main objective is to just help yourself, I think the public exposure will be a little too difficult to handle, and we should look into alternatives to getting you help. If your purpose is to not only get help for yourself, but to create awareness as to what OCD is so that others can get help as well, then I think this is a great opportunity." </div><div><br /></div><div>Although there are no words to express how eternally thankful I am for all the extremely professional help I received as a result of being on The OCD Project, I am still very nervous about the show airing. I've tried my best to be open and vulnerable via my blog throughout my entire treatment process since the show, but there is a different vulnerability that comes with sharing your life and your struggles on national television. I don't regret my decision to allow my journey to be filmed, but I know there are going to be plenty of moments that are extremely difficult for me to watch....even moments that I will probably regret. Nothing about my treatment journey has been easy, but it has been amazing. I am a different person today than I was seven months ago. I still struggle daily. OCD and depression continue to be a battle I fight, but I've been given powerful tools, and because of that, my spirit is learning to live freely...vulnerably. </div><div><br /></div><div>The OCD Project is an 8 episode series that will air every Thursday night. There is no prize and there are no eliminations. It really is just a show that documents the journey of our treatment stay. It will also be available to watch on the internet at <a href="http://www.vh1.com/shows/the_ocd_project/series.jhtml">VH1.com</a>. I will be blogging throughout the entire series, and will have a post up by Friday evening every week giving more detail into my life, my struggle with/victory over OCD, and possibly trying to redeem myself for any horribly embarrassing thing that I did or said. eeeek! :) </div><div><br /></div><div>You may think I'm crazy at times, but I'm not, I just have OCD. :) So....watch the show if you want, read my blog, and learn the difference between the two......crazy and OCD, that is. :) I hope that my story will help other people struggling with their inner demons, whatever they may be, find the strength to get help and to be an advocate for their own free spirit. </div><div><br /></div><div><i>And seriously</i>, if you or someone you know plans on watching "The OCD Project" please read my blog as well. Think of it as a twofer (otherwise known as a two-for-one.) :)</div>Kristen Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11786282633255335937noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8851395916829312273.post-18436285382305655222010-05-07T23:04:00.004-07:002010-05-11T18:27:35.082-07:00a deep pulling<span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:verdana, arial, helvetica;font-size:11px;"><div>I've heard this song a million times, but driving home tonight, I heard it again on the radio.....and the words hit a deep....very deep, vulnerable, and sensitive part of my soul. I think our hearts and souls are intertwined..... we make reference to our hearts so easily, but soul..... oh, the soul..... it takes the things that we cherish and feel in our hearts to a level that words can't describe. I believe that when our heart-strings are pulled, they are being pulled by our soul..... being stretched and taken to a level that we can't go to without laying it all out and surrendering. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"><i>i will remember you</i></span></div>by <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">sarah</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">mclachlan</span><br /><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:verdana, arial, helvetica;font-size:11px;"><i>I w</i><i>ill remember you<br />Will you remember me?<br />Don't let your life pass you by<br />Weep not for the memories<br /><br />Remember the good times that we had?<br />I let them slip away from us when things got bad<br />How clearly I first saw you <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">smilin</span>' in the sun<br />Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one<br /><br />I will remember you<br />Will you remember me?<br />Don't let your life pass you by<br />Weep not for the memories<br /><br />I'm so tired but I can't sleep<br /><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Standin</span>' on the edge of something much too deep<br />It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word<br />We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard<br /><br />But I will remember you<br />Will you remember me?<br />Don't let your life pass you by<br />Weep not for the memories<br /><br />I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to loose<br />Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose</i></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:verdana, arial, helvetica;font-size:11px;"><i>Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night<br />You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light<br /><br />And I will remember you<br />Will you remember me?<br />Don't let your life pass you by<br />Weep not for the memories<br /><br />And I will remember you<br />Will you remember me?<br />Don't let your life pass you by<br />Weep not for the memories<br />Weep not for the memories</i></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana, arial, helvetica;font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:11px;"><i><br /></i></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana, arial, helvetica;font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:11px;"><i><br /></i></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana, arial, helvetica;font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:11px;"><i><br /></i></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana, arial, helvetica;font-size:100%;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:11px;">I lay it all out. I surrender.</span></span></div></div>Kristen Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11786282633255335937noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8851395916829312273.post-3867991313893298632010-04-29T12:05:00.002-07:002010-04-29T12:52:50.281-07:006 months, 4 days.....Six months and four days ago I entered into treatment to get help for my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">OCD</span>. Some days the tunnel seemed so long, that I wondered if there was light at the end at all. Other days, the light seemed to be shining bright, giving me hope that I was progressing. With each transition through this journey.....from "residential" in L.A., to residential in Wisconsin, then back to L.A. for intensive outpatient.....I've had a whirlwind of emotions and fears. <br /><br />Today is my last day at the intensive outpatient <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">OCD</span> program at UCLA medical center and again, I have a mix of emotions.....a beautiful mix of emotions. Ya, I'm nervous about transitioning back into "full-time normal" life, but I'm so excited as well. I feel different than I did 6 months ago. By no means am I skipping through my days living in the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">ecstasy</span> of being free as a butterfly, but my overall approach to life is more relaxed. My automatic response to stress and anxiety is not compulsions anymore. I still feel anxiety, and I still have compulsions, but to such a lesser degree that it feels as though I'm a new person. <br /><br />My time at UCLA was predominately spent fine-tuning the skills I had learned at Roger's. I also crossed the line from "normal" into some things that aren't quite so "normal" while at UCLA, in regards to exposures that is. :) Research has found that most patients who go through treatment for their <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">OCD</span>, tend to slip back a little after treatment. So turning up the heat and doing some slightly extreme exposures is necessary to allow for patients to settle into the "normal" range. That's a brief explanation, but I will address this whole topic again very soon. <br /><br />My car is packed, and in just a few minutes I will be leaving L.A. and driving back down to Dana Point and unpacking and settling in at home for hopefully a long time. :) The challenge is going to be not feeling <em>too</em> comfortable in my home. Exposures will have to continue to be a daily part of my life. Facing fears and doing things that cause me anxiety every day is a necessity. Sounds sadistic, I know......oh believe me,<em> I know</em>......but it's what is going to keep me from relapsing. <br /><br />My journey is not over. Just those words well up excitement within. In some ways, it seems like life may just be beginning. <br /><br />Grace. <br /><br />Grace is what comes to mind right now. God's grace is crazy amazing, crazy humbling, and passionately gentle. I'm so thankful. <br /><br />Here I go.....Kristen Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11786282633255335937noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8851395916829312273.post-48793089518229252022010-04-15T11:12:00.003-07:002010-04-15T11:54:28.408-07:00Voice of Reason vs. Devil in my HeadIt's a pretty day today. The weather is nice. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">IOP</span> started with me picking up my therapist and then going to the gas station to pump gas without using paper towels as a barrier. <br /><br />Several years ago I was watching the evening news when they did a little blurb on how gas pump handles are dirtier than public toilets....and <em>that</em> marked the beginning of a new fear, another precaution that had to be taken, one more step in my already step-filled life. If a gas station did not have paper towels available, and I did not happen to have <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">sani</span> wipes in my car, I would drive to another gas station, frustrated at the inconvenience the first station had caused me by not being prompt enough to refill their paper towels. Obviously, the problem is mine, not theirs. The little devil in my head whines and says, "But it's so much easier to blame other people." And the voice of reason bluntly says, "This is not about other people, so pull up your boot straps and face your fears." That voice of reason is getting louder and louder and becoming more and more firm with the little devil in my head (<em>affectionately</em> known as <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">OCD</span>), because I know for a fact that about six months ago, I would not have responded so well to, "Pull up your boot straps and face your fears." In fact, I don't know that reason had a voice at all when it came to how I dealt with my anxiety. <br /><br />So with my therapist next to me for support, I lifted the gas pump and maintained double hand contact as I put in $23 of gas. The cold feel of the metal. The sticky texture of the rubber. The built-up grime in all the nooks and crannies of the handle. Gross. I don't really like this. It would be nice if I could wash my hands, but I can't, so oh well. I placed the gas pump back where it belonged, got back into my car and touched everything in sight.....including the precious picture of my <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">niece</span> on my dashboard. :( I really, intensely didn't like touching the gas pump without a protective barrier, but I didn't feel like I was going crazy, that I might become paralyzed from the germs.<br /><br />What's happening? Could it be that I'm really, actually habituating to the idea of being dirty and covered in germs all the time? I've been lifting toilet seats up and down for the last two weeks. Is my brain really generalizing all that I've learned? Where is the anxiety I have always felt? Where is the creepy crawler sensation? Why is my heart not beating rapidly, and my left ear not turning red and burning with heat? <br /><br />This is weird.Kristen Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11786282633255335937noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8851395916829312273.post-75918328449310731622010-04-13T11:34:00.006-07:002010-04-13T12:40:16.774-07:00Hollywood Highway of Hikers (alliteration at its best) :)<div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_z3FCXYONkUA/S8THTDI2H8I/AAAAAAAAANo/f2KEsuH0Ysc/s1600/IMG_0563.JPG"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 300px; height: 400px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_z3FCXYONkUA/S8THTDI2H8I/AAAAAAAAANo/f2KEsuH0Ysc/s400/IMG_0563.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5459707778353733570" /></a></div><div><br /></div>I was introduced to a fabulous hiking trail last week. A couple friends and I hiked it together and without a doubt, I was feeling the effects of it the next couple of days. But I love the hike. It's ten minutes away from Theo and Jessie's house, and it's like a luscious forest in the middle of this chaotic city....sorta....you have to use your imagination, which I do; therefore, I truly believe I am in a mountainous forest for the 45 minutes that I am hiking. :) <div><br /></div><div>Yesterday I ventured out to do this hike on my own. I needed an outlet. I needed fresh air.....even though I clean black grime out of my nose each night from the "fresh" air here in the city, I still enjoy getting outside. </div><div><br /></div><div>Black grime in my nose. Awesome. </div><div><br /></div><div>I love my new hiking spot.....and apparently, so does everyone else in Hollywood. During "peak" hours, its seriously like a highway of hikers. But, rush hour hiking in the Hollywood hills is <i>much</i> more entertaining than being in a car stuck in traffic. One of these days I'm going to eat dirt when I take a face plant on the trail from attempting to hike while staring backwards at whatever interesting person just passed me on the trail. Seriously, some of the things people wear to hike! I <i>have</i> to have a second look. Did they really look at themselves in the mirror and say, "yep, I'm ready to go hiking." </div><div><br /></div><div>Oh my. </div><div><br /></div><div>My favorite has been the lady who was hiking with her dog strapped to her chest in a fancy baby carrying contraption. Are you serious? You are carrying your dog like a baby while hiking? Really? </div><div><br /></div><div>....only in Hollywood. :) Oh, the entertainment!</div><div><br /></div><div>Besides the pure joy of people staring and the opportunity to allow my imagination to create vivid stories about the awesome mountain I am climbing, I love that exercise has become a more regular part of my life. I usually default to running, but I'm trying to go outside my comfort zone a bit. I'm trying not to be so rigid. I don't like being a rigid person. I don't like being confined to what is familiar and safe. I want to live with my eyes and mind and arms wide open....ready to embrace life. </div><div><br /></div><div>Next step..... yoga in the park. Oh boy. </div>Kristen Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11786282633255335937noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8851395916829312273.post-85877463973450382622010-03-31T20:56:00.003-07:002010-03-31T22:05:12.463-07:00Living fearlessly.I want to do big things with my life. Rather....I want God to do big things with my life. I don't really know what exactly that looks like. I've been discouraged lately, feeling like I'm not doing anything of importance.....therefore, I'm not important. <div><br /></div><div>It's not really about the big things, is it? It's about the small things. The small, intentional things. Sometimes it's hard being <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">ok</span> with the small things. </div><div><br /></div><div><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">IOP</span> is still going well. It's hard. I touched the inside door handle of a public restroom last week. I didn't think I could do it. The fear. The piercing fear. My eyes poured forth a stream of tears as I made contact with something that I believed would paralyze me. My head ached from screaming thoughts of not being able to move freely because of all the germs. My therapist talked me through movements, helping me prove to myself that germs and dirt do not paralyze me.....my fear paralyzes me. </div><div><br /></div><div>My parents were in town visiting for the weekend, and we were talking about.....life. There are many things that I want to be doing....those "big things".....but time passes and my dreams seem to get clouded by fear....paralyzing fear. My dad said to me, "You never used to be this way. You never used to be scared of anything." </div><div><br /></div><div>"I know, Dad....I know. That's why I'm getting help. Somehow I've become scared of everything." </div><div><br /></div><div>It was a tender, reflective moment for me. It's true....I never used to be scared of anything. The world was my playground. </div><div><br /></div><div>The <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">IOP</span> program at UCLA is so different than residential at Roger's because my day is less structured, giving me the opportunity to practice living life outside of the confines of my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">OCD</span> rules. Sometimes I hate it and just want to go back to doing life the way that I used to because I hate fighting against my body. But, I keep fighting.....accepting that some days are just going to be harder than others. </div><div><br /></div><div>.....may I fearlessly approach the small things in life, so that I can fearlessly welcome the big things. </div>Kristen Lovehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11786282633255335937noreply@blogger.com2