My Birthday

Written Thursday, February 18, 2010

My 29th Birthday! Ha, ha! :)

Ten MUSTS to having a free-spirited birthday. :)

(For girls)

1. You must wear a boa. The feathery fun just screams classic and party all in one breath.

2. You must smell fabulous. It doesn’t matter….a cheap Walgreen's body spray or an expensive French eau de toilette…douse yourself multiple times a day so that there is no denying that you smell fabulous.

3. You must do something adventurous and/or risky. Adventurous is in the heart of the doer….so sky dive, eat some vegetables, or…..touch a trash can.

Introducing……my wonderful, amazing therapist…..Heather!!! :) She surprised me and took me to McDonald’s for lunch on my birthday. I don’t think I’ll ever not love McDonald’s. :) But….once we got there and I asked to take a picture with her, she so kindly suggested the trash can. The expression on my face is perfect….sooo indicative of my anxiety….. “Trying to smile. Trying to look happy. Feeling stressed. Feeling fear.”

Round two. Still can’t believe I’m touching an outside trashcan!! Holy Moly. Still have that “I just got socked in the stomach” feeling. The “creepy crawlers” are running up my arms. But….I’m doing it….with a smile. :)

Round three….with Nicole, another staff member who helped me celebrate my birthday. Definitely feeling more comfortable :) but if you look at my left hand you can tell that there is some hesitation to touch my coat. Cross contaminating has been a crucial part of over coming my fear of germs, dirt, and feeling dirty.

And then eating my burger WITH MY HANDS that I did NOT wash since touching the trash can!!!! Quite a monumental moment for me. Definitely felt anxiety for a couple hours afterwards, ruminating about what I had touched and not having washed my hands.

4. You must wear your favorite party panties. Whether your idea of party panties are white granny-pannies or leopard printed laciness, just rock those panties and smile about your secret all day long!

5. You must dance when you’re sung to. Dance like you were born to get your groove on, because half the people singing sound more ridiculous than you look.

6. You must eat as though everything is fat-free and calorie-free. It IS your birthday….and the “f” word and “c” word don’t even exist. :)

7. You must have the same number of candles as your age. Own your age, ladies, own it.

This was the yummiest cake ever…..oh my! :)

8. You must dress up in costume. Go all out and be Marilyn Monroe for a day, or sip your latte with a fake mustache….whatever floats your boat….just dress up.

9. You must make someone else smile. Smiles are contagious….if you can make someone else smile, you’re gonna smile too.

10. You must have your cake and eat it too. Because what’s a birthday without a cake….and besides, it’s fat-free and calorie-free….so, indulge, Birthday Barbies, and enjoy. :)

Although I had much more fun and many more smiles yesterday than I had anticipated, I also had a myriad of small battles throughout the day that took intentional effort on my part to win. OCD and depression don’t really care what day of the year it is and certainly don’t pause for any sort of celebration. By mid-morning, I was wrestling with my inner demons. From all outside appearances, most would have thought I didn’t have a care in the world and loved the simplicity of living. I don’t know if that’s a blessing or a curse……I suppose it’s probably both. The roiling of my broken heart, my anxious mind, and my sensitive soul draw me to what I know soothes. I’ve made huge successes in the last four months, and I feel more free than I’ve felt in years; but when it feels like my world is falling apart for no logical reason at all, resistance of compulsions and acceptance of just being become a victory worthy of celebration all in their own.