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It's not really about the big things, is it? It's about the small things. The small, intentional things. Sometimes it's hard being ok with the small things.
IOP is still going well. It's hard. I touched the inside door handle of a public restroom last week. I didn't think I could do it. The fear. The piercing fear. My eyes poured forth a stream of tears as I made contact with something that I believed would paralyze me. My head ached from screaming thoughts of not being able to move freely because of all the germs. My therapist talked me through movements, helping me prove to myself that germs and dirt do not paralyze me.....my fear paralyzes me.
My parents were in town visiting for the weekend, and we were talking about.....life. There are many things that I want to be doing....those "big things".....but time passes and my dreams seem to get clouded by fear....paralyzing fear. My dad said to me, "You never used to be this way. You never used to be scared of anything."
"I know, Dad....I know. That's why I'm getting help. Somehow I've become scared of everything."
It was a tender, reflective moment for me. It's true....I never used to be scared of anything. The world was my playground.
The IOP program at UCLA is so different than residential at Roger's because my day is less structured, giving me the opportunity to practice living life outside of the confines of my OCD rules. Sometimes I hate it and just want to go back to doing life the way that I used to because I hate fighting against my body. But, I keep fighting.....accepting that some days are just going to be harder than others.
.....may I fearlessly approach the small things in life, so that I can fearlessly welcome the big things.
I LOVE your closing statement - an excellent reminder for me. Your journey through OCD continues to be an inspiration to me and has had a huge impact on my life in so many ways...and that's no "small thing"!! xoxo
ReplyDeleteYour conversation with your dad speaks volumes to another side of this disease. There's so much more than fears and anxiety...there's the "before OCD" life. And you, as well as most with this illness, cover up so well that few on the outside even realize the fear is there. Those who knew the "before" struggle to understand how fear can overtake a formerly fearless person. It all seems irrational. That's why I love your words. You tell the real story...What's really going on inside your mind, body, heart, and soul. Remind yourself that you ARE winning this battle because YOUR heart and soul are a hell of a lot stronger than anything Mr. OCD can pull with your mind and body! Keep fighting, Kristen.
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