Episode 1

Well.... made it through episode one. Whew.....

Watching it brought back so many memories. But before I get into all those details, I do have to say that I LOL when Liz said, "We're just waiting on Kristen" and I was in the bathroom washing my feet. Classic. Seriously, such a typical scenario.....huh, Love family and roommate, Michelle? :)

I found myself nodding my head through the whole episode, still in awe that I am not the only one who has these crazy thoughts and nonsensical compulsions. As I listened to my housemates talk about their feelings surrounding their obsessions and compulsions, it still feels surreal to me.....as though they are vocalizing some of the very thoughts that go through my head. That was probably the most amazing thing for me throughout treatment, was discovering that....in an ironic sort of way....I am normal.....that I had a mutual understanding with my peers without having to even say anything. We could finish each other's sentences when we were talking about our struggle with OCD. Things like, other people having physical pain in various parts of their body because of the repetition of compulsions......I had no idea. I thought I was alone in my craziness of repeating things despite how my skin dried out and cracked, or my ankles and knees hurt.

After we all arrived and checked in that first day, we ended up all sitting around the table outside by the pool talking for quite a while. I was pretty quiet at first, just listening to everyone else talking. (Probably the only time I was quiet on the whole show....eeek!) I was mostly interested in finding out what types of OCD everyone else had.....I just wanted to get right to the point. As they began talking about their OCD, I was shocked......emotional almost. It was the first time I had ever heard anyone verbalize, almost verbatim, the thoughts I had been wrestling with for years. There was an instant connection. We all spoke the same language.

Watching who I was seven months ago is.....weird. Holy Moly....I was a flippin' machine when it came to washing my hands.....and drying my hands.....oh my! I seriously can't believe how intensely I washed and dried my hands. I am really proud to say that I have not even gone through half a gallon of hand soap since I returned home!! That is a drastic improvement from the one gallon of hand soap I would go through in 10 days! No joke. I still fight the urge to re-wash every time I do wash my hands, but every time I resist, it gets a tad bit easier the next time. I hardly use lotion any more either, because my hands are not dry and peeling. What's interesting about that, is that I've always had fairly soft hands despite how much I washed them, but that was because it was so important for me to hide all indications of having a problem that I would go through lotion just as quickly as I went through soap.

My mind is racing right now with all sorts of things that I want to write about, but so as to not overwhelm, I will write more of my thoughts throughout the week. However, I do want to finish with a pretty funny story that was not completely shown on last night's episode.

So.....I was the first person to arrive at the house, and as you saw, I was not exactly excited about the bathroom situation. Well, after I checked in, I used the restroom, then went to wash my hands at the bathroom sink for the first time (which I guess was timed at 4min, 47 sec). Ok, so this ginormous bathroom we all had the luxury of sharing was 80's fabulous, and I could not figure out how to turn the sink on; therefore, immediately assuming that we did not have access to water in the sinks (to prevent me from washing). I instantaneously began freaking out, but had prepared for an "emergency" like this and went to my suitcase to use a plethora of cleaning products I had brought along with me. That not being enough......I eventually thought I had cheated the system when I discovered there was water in the bath tub to wash my hands = soothe my soul! I soon found out that nope, no water had been turned off......I was just a little, um....retarded shall we say. But, the one redeeming fact is that I was NOT the only one who couldn't figure out how to turn the faucet on.....I was just the most dramatic about it.....sulking and pouting in my room for a good hour thinking they were all out to get me. Oh, Kristen.......... :)

The freedom and strength that comes from sharing struggles and discovering that your not alone in your struggle is honestly the most amazing thing that I am still learning through this whole process. Life is truly meant to be lived in community....not just superficial community, but in community that embraces vulnerability, brokenness, restoration and acceptance. Even now, I still struggle with being vulnerable in a face-to-face conversation......it's awkward and completely humbling at times, but watching the six of us on the show was a refreshing reminder of how completely liberating....and strengthening....and necessary it is to live life together as a community.

The OCD Project

The beginning of my treatment journey began last summer when I received an email from my brother, Theo. I don't know that my reception of this particular email would have been welcomed had it come from anyone else. All Theo wrote to me was, "I think you should apply." Below his single sentence to me was an ad he had found looking for people struggling with OCD to receive free, intensive, professional therapy for three weeks while being filmed for a new documentary-style reality show. Long story short.... I applied, and a couple months later, I nervously walked into the house I would be living in for the next three weeks.

Seven months later, I nervously announce that "The OCD Project" will be airing this Thursday night, May 27th, at 10pm PST on VH1.

After applying and waiting to hear whether or not I would be selected to receive this help, I went back and forth as to whether or not this was the right avenue for me to get help for my OCD. My OCD was a struggle that I had kept secret, and to go public.....really public, with it, was not a decision to take lightly. I remember my mom telling me on the phone one day, "Kristen, you have to have a greater purpose for doing a show like this than to just get help for yourself. If your main objective is to just help yourself, I think the public exposure will be a little too difficult to handle, and we should look into alternatives to getting you help. If your purpose is to not only get help for yourself, but to create awareness as to what OCD is so that others can get help as well, then I think this is a great opportunity."

Although there are no words to express how eternally thankful I am for all the extremely professional help I received as a result of being on The OCD Project, I am still very nervous about the show airing. I've tried my best to be open and vulnerable via my blog throughout my entire treatment process since the show, but there is a different vulnerability that comes with sharing your life and your struggles on national television. I don't regret my decision to allow my journey to be filmed, but I know there are going to be plenty of moments that are extremely difficult for me to watch....even moments that I will probably regret. Nothing about my treatment journey has been easy, but it has been amazing. I am a different person today than I was seven months ago. I still struggle daily. OCD and depression continue to be a battle I fight, but I've been given powerful tools, and because of that, my spirit is learning to live freely...vulnerably.

The OCD Project is an 8 episode series that will air every Thursday night. There is no prize and there are no eliminations. It really is just a show that documents the journey of our treatment stay. It will also be available to watch on the internet at VH1.com. I will be blogging throughout the entire series, and will have a post up by Friday evening every week giving more detail into my life, my struggle with/victory over OCD, and possibly trying to redeem myself for any horribly embarrassing thing that I did or said. eeeek! :)

You may think I'm crazy at times, but I'm not, I just have OCD. :) So....watch the show if you want, read my blog, and learn the difference between the two......crazy and OCD, that is. :) I hope that my story will help other people struggling with their inner demons, whatever they may be, find the strength to get help and to be an advocate for their own free spirit.

And seriously, if you or someone you know plans on watching "The OCD Project" please read my blog as well. Think of it as a twofer (otherwise known as a two-for-one.) :)

a deep pulling

I've heard this song a million times, but driving home tonight, I heard it again on the radio.....and the words hit a deep....very deep, vulnerable, and sensitive part of my soul. I think our hearts and souls are intertwined..... we make reference to our hearts so easily, but soul..... oh, the soul..... it takes the things that we cherish and feel in our hearts to a level that words can't describe. I believe that when our heart-strings are pulled, they are being pulled by our soul..... being stretched and taken to a level that we can't go to without laying it all out and surrendering.

i will remember you

by sarah mclachlan

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad
How clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I'm so tired but I can't sleep
Standin' on the edge of something much too deep
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard

But I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to loose
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose

Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light

And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Weep not for the memories

I lay it all out. I surrender.