I had to run to Target tonight to pick up a few things. As I was pushing my cart toward the laundry detergent section, I glided by an entire aisle of sanitizer wipes and disinfectant sprays. It was almost nostalgic....but a punch in the stomach all at the same time. It was a special moment, really. That sounds kinda silly, but it really was. I looked at all the different colors and sizes of the sanitizer wipes, which have always been my favorite.....well, the sanitizer wipes and the hand sanitizer and hand soap, and..... okay, maybe they were all my favorites. Whatever. Back to my original thought. :) I haven't bought any of those things since last October! A slight smile swept across my face as I looked at all my favorite sanitizing products, remembering how I felt so soothed each time I would use them. I felt myself desiring that feeling again. That soothing, calm, peace.....regardless of its fleeting presence. I wanted to buy just a couple products. "For old times sake," I told myself. "Just a couple won't hurt. And besides, I won't use them all the time. I'll just keep them around, like 'normal' people." When I realized the thoughts I was having, I then felt that punch to my gut that I'm all too familiar with.
That flippin' parrot trying to make his home on my shoulder again. AHHHHH!!!! Literally, I felt like screaming......right there in the middle of Target. If I appeared normal before, me screaming while looking at Clorox wipes standing in an aisle in Target was bound to make me appear otherwise. :) At that point, I knew it was time for me to resist and keep putting one foot in front of the other until I got to my original destination of the laundry detergent section. It's weird how I have such an internal and emotional reaction to something so silly, so normal, so good. I didn't like it. I don't want to be affected by the sani aisle. Oh, but it represents such a dichotomy in my mind.
And all the cute little hand sanitizers they sell in the check out lane now. It's like they've come out with a million new versions since I "quit." :) Take them away, just take them away.
BUT....I choose to embrace those moments (and the grimy, unsanitized handle of my shopping cart), and be thankful for yet another exposure in which I triumph over!
-Fighting-For-My-Free-Spirit-Header-4.png)
In the same situation I would have failed. I try the same thought process when I pass the liquor store on the way home each day, and I never succeed. I am and alcoholic with OCD. fml.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was at the grocery store a couple of days ago, they had a big sale bin full of sani packages (hand sanitizer and wipes all in one little package) for $1. I had a really hard time walking by it and not filling my cart. Oh the temptation!
ReplyDeleteCongrats on walking away from the aisle!
Truimph!! Woot woot!!!
ReplyDeleteGreat job! Keep reminding yourself that Target and Clorox will never ever run out of cleaning products. Really. And tell yourself that the stores can keep paying rent to store these items on your behalf - you don't need them taking about valuable space in your home. :-)
ReplyDeleteHi Kristen. I have been following your blog ever since the OCD Project started. I have severe OCD...a perfect combination of you and Arine. I am currently in treatment at a center in my area doing exposure therapy. My Dr. actually told me if I didn't start improving then I would have to go to the hospital in Wisconsin. Luckily, I have made huge progress and I'm only seeing my therapist 3x's a week now.
ReplyDeleteAnyways, the reason I decided to leave a comment this time is because I had the exact same experience at a store. (I'm also not allowed to use any sani items.) I had to fight so hard to walk away just like you. Everything in me just wanted to buy them "just in case". I do remember how good it felt to wash all the "bad" germs away but fighting and winning against OCD is so much more rewarding!!
Keep fighting and know you are not alone in this journey. I am so thankful that the show is airing right in the middle of my treatment. It really helps others to somewhat understand what we are going through. Thanks for putting your story/life out there!!
From Your Fellow "recovering" OCDer,
Melissa
Inspiring! I am still struggling to break free from the grips of the sani aisle (and mopping my floor 10 times a day). Laundry is a major issue, too. What is the best piece of advice you could offer someone else with contamination OCD? What have you found most helpful?
ReplyDeleteI've definitely had this experience, too! Contamination is a small part of my OCD symptoms, but it was still hard not to 'stock up,' especially when certain colors/scents are the "right ones" and are there in front of me. Everyone who resists deserves to be extremely proud of themselves!
ReplyDelete@Anonymous 1: Ten months ago I would have said the same thing....because I was giving in every single time. You may be giving in, but you are not failing. Failure is so final....and you giving in each day at the liquor store is beyond discouraging I'm sure, but I promise you....you have the ability to change. It may be the hardest fight of your life, but you are capable of doing it. It's a choice. I do not say that lightly at ALL, because that choice is a flippin' battle for me every single day. I don't always win, but when I do, it's exciting....sooo exciting.
ReplyDeleteHow does your OCD manifest it self? Alcoholism is different than OCD (although there are similarities), so I'm curious what your obsessions and compulsions are.
I will be your biggest cheerleader! You CAN live freely!! :)
@Elly: Those darn sale bins.....seriously......I hear you!! :)
ReplyDelete@Deena: Thanks, Deen-Deen! :)
ReplyDelete@Anonymous 2: I LOVED your comment! It seriously made me smile! Who are you?? :) I like the way you think! :)
ReplyDelete@Melissa: Thank you for your comment. It makes me so happy and so proud that you are taking steps to fight for your free spirit as well!! It helps soo much knowing that there are other people who "get it".....it helps take away some of that "I'm crazy" feeling. :) Keep fighting, friend, keep fighting!!
ReplyDelete@Anonymous 3: I'm glad my post was inspiring to you. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteAs for the best advice....hmmm....there is so much I could share.... I think the most important thing I've learned through my recovery process, is the necessity of being honest, with yourself and with those around you. Being vulnerable is soo hard, but that honesty and transparency is what brings freedom.
The second thing I would tell you is to definitely get into therapy. Research and interview therapists until you find someone who you trust and who is VERY familiar with OCD. Of course, I am a huge advocate of Roger's Memorial Hospital. :) They have an incredible residential program, and from everything I've heard, their out-patient program is just as good! I've heard of a few people who have fought OCD on their own, but in most cases, you need professional help. It just makes a huge difference.....in my humble opinion. :)
Specific to contamination......gosh, it's still a struggle for me, too. My BT at Roger's told me something that has helped me a lot. I would constantly avoid things or use barriers or what have you, because I thought things were "disgusting." My BT would say, "Then treat it like it's disgusting, and not dangerous." That has helped me a lot.
Keep resisting and challenging yourself. Get dirty!!! Embrace dirty! Woo-hoo! :)
@Elle: I concur! Everyone who resists should indeed be proud. I will admit, though, that it is sometimes hard to be proud about something that seems so small and insignificant to "everyone else." But, I try to remind myself to celebrate and be proud of all the small things, because each small resist builds upon each other!! :)
ReplyDeleteYou are such an inspiration! I love saying that I know you when I watch the show. I really hope to see you sometime soon! :o)
ReplyDeleteThis is Kevin from the OCD show. HI! I think Dr. Tolin generally had good intentions. But perhaps, he got angry (with that BS comment) because you were not making him look good at all for TV.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I read about these t-shirts being made that say,"What's your level??" with Tolin's face on it. My therapist friend said it's the same as making a t-shit after doing a show on depression and saying, "How depressed are you??". I wonder if this lucrative idea was done to bring about more publicity to OCD or for more publicity to Dr. Tolin's business? One must treat these delicate issues, well, delicately :( What do ya'll think??
ReplyDeleteI have watched the OCD project and it is so much better than 90% of the reality crap that is on TV.
ReplyDeleteI think that the show was educational and helpful to people with mental health issues.
I am glad to see that you are progressing in your treatment and wish you well and the best. I will continue to follow your blog.
Posted by Michael_from_CT
ReplyDeleteWhat is the music that you used for the Hollywood Hiking video. It's awesum!!!
Second a comment. You write very well. Is this something you can do or would like to do professionally?