Thursday, July 8, 2010

Episode 7

Nothing soothes this frustrated female like a ginormous bowl of rocky road ice cream!!! :) Mmm, mmm, mmm!

I know I'm breaking my own rules of blogging about episode 7 before I've blogged my thoughts on episode 5 and 6......but oh well.

Tonight's episode was quite possibly the most frustrating episode yet! Episode six was probably the hardest, but tonight's definitely took the cake for ruffling my feathers. I literally felt my chest and arms breaking out in hives as I watched the part where I was told to spread urine all over my room. And yes, it was real urine. Warm, frothy, smelly urine, served fresh to me daily. Awesome. And even though I specifically asked not to know who the donor was, I conveniently found a picture on facebook of the generous person. Double awesome.

I know I've said this before, but what is sooo frustrating is that my desire to get better was constantly questioned by the person who was supposed to be helping me. It was never a matter of whether or not I wanted help......geez this day, I am sooo grateful and humbled for all the treatment I received. I wanted help, I needed help, but "help" caused me to feel paralyzed.....or at least the "help" that was being presented to me on the OCD Project. I didn't understand, and I wanted to. Tough love is a good thing, but torturous love......not so much. Ok, so maybe that is a little dramatic..... :) but, it felt like torture at times.

Dr. Tolin: "Kristen, Kristen! Your attitude is BS! You need to stop it!"
Me: "This is BS!"
Dr. Tolin: "If it's BS, then fire me, Kristen! You fight OCD or don't!"

That little conversation was actually quite humorous for me to watch, only because of the ironic foreshadowing to a conversation that Dr. Tolin and I would have two months later. I highly doubt it will be shown on next week's episode, but just in case it is, I won't go into detail until next week.

Cody, Arine and I were close buddies throughout the entire three weeks. We looked forward to our nightly, un-filmed conversations that we affectionately dubbed "our closet conversations." :) I miss those conversations......where we all spoke the same language without really having to say anything at all. The laughs, the tears, the deep conversations....such sweet memories. I love that they showed the part where Cody asked if I would kiss him with all the prosthetic deformities on his face. Even though I came across a little biaaatchy, I think I was actually quite supportive of Cody throughout that whole exposure. I'll call him tomorrow and ask him just to be sure. :) We even played a good game of tennis, and he would chase me with his crazy looking fake face, and I would freak out, we would laugh.....and then we were told to stop playing because sweat was making Cody's face melt off. Haha! :) Priorities, priorities!! :)

This has definitely been an interesting part of my journey.....watching the beginning of my treatment on TV. I think the basis of this show is actually quite amazing and fascinating. One of my goals was to help bring about awareness to a disorder that is so misunderstood, and through my own personal triumphs and also my frustrations, I have had amazing opportunities to do that. For that I am thankful. Other things I am so thankful for:

The Peace of Mind Foundation. I loose my words when I try to come up with an appropriate way to thank them. Liz, who is periodically seen on the OCD Project, started the Peace of Mind Foundation and generously offered to pay for aftercare for all six of us on the show. Had it not been for Liz and her foundation, I honestly don't know that my life would look any different today than it did nine months ago. Thank you, Liz!

My therapists at Roger's Memorial Hospital. Bless them! :)

My family. What a loud, boisterous bunch we can be.....but oh how life is sweet because of them.

Most importantly, I'm thankful for Jesus. His gentle grace is truly amazing!


  1. Well whose urine was it?! Don't keep us in suspense!!! LOL!!!

  2. I can not believe they made you spread pee all over your room! Everyday?? Thats disgusting. What the heck is the need for that!? Im in Canada and I dont get VH1 and I cant view episodes on their website, so I dont get to watch the show, bummer. I did see a clip of you on youtube, it was a laundry issue, someone took yours out and put it in the basket. I really got that, one time my husband did loads of me and my baby's laundry when we were gone for the laundry process, is just that a very specific, ritualized process, I lost it when I found out he did my laundry! Seems like most women would love that, but nooooo! It was bad news. The clips I have seen make the show look crazy extreme, I get the need to be extreme in a way, but stranger pee all over your room?? really??! ewww! lol

  3. I feel a kinship with you, through OCD. I must say the TV show has made me feel like I will never seek treatment because I could not do things like spread pee or blood on myself or my things. But I feel a new hope in learning you did find treatment that is less extreme and is working for you.

    I was saddened by Jerry in this episode. I thought a fellow OCD sufferer would understand why the treatment was so difficult for you. It certainly was no "princess" act.

  4. I love your blogs... We have alot in common through OCD.....

  5. Hi Kristin,
    I've been watching the show with so much interest. You're right--Jesus' grace really is amazing! I love the He loves us so much through everything, and He knows our weaknesses and struggles and gives us help no one else can. Please don't give up on yourself living a life of freedom, because I know He hasn't given up on you.

  6. I usually agree with the things Dr. Tolin says on the show. I did not agree with him on this episode, though. I thought he had the complete wrong approach to you. I didn't like Jerry's comments either. You were experiencing more anxiety than you should have been expected to handle. It's like you have said before, flooding is not the best way to do things. I am glad that since that experience, you have had better success with after-care treatment!