Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Simple times and simple videos. (My brother's words)

The last few days have been a little rough for me. I felt myself starting to crash tonight.....as if I'm slipping into a funk. I don't like this feeling. It scares me. On Friday I noticed that I was performing rituals throughout my day more than I had in months. On Saturday it seemed to get worse. With every compulsion I gave into, it felt as if a thick river of guilt pumped through my veins. The fear that I'm relapsing has almost become an obsession in and of itself. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed.....like this curse will never leave me. When I feel like I have a handle on one set of obsessions, up springs a completely new set of fears and "what ifs." Will my mind ever rest? Will I ever truly be free?

In all honestly, the last couple of months since I've been home, I have felt different.....and in many ways and on many days, that different feeling is a good one......a liberated one. It just feels like it doesn't come easily though. It's a constant fight to feel free......if that makes any sense at all??

I just feel a little discouraged. I've been washing my hands more often for no "real" reason at all. I've been using more soap....several pumps at a time and repeating the cycle. Last night I rubbed my feet before getting into bed, and it took everything in me to stop, because it just didn't feel right yet. I am constantly shaking my right foot.....constantly. And my avoidance of things causes me to feel as though I am paralyzed. Ahhhh......the list of compulsions I've given into the last few days could go on and on...... I feel embarrassed. Ashamed. How do I ask for help? How do I explain my struggle? It's hard to come up with the words when my only explanation is a mere description of something that seems so trivial, so natural, so common. Checking the front door lock, washing my hands, rubbing "dirt" off my feet before getting into bed, wanting things to be perfect.... But, it's more than that. My silly compulsions are an eloquent masquerade for the inner distress I feel but don't know how to explain.

Visiting Theo and Jessie in Hollywood this last weekend was perfectly timed! I just love them. And I know I am loved by them. We turned life's simple moments into precious memories, and there's nothing that makes my heart smile more. On Sunday morning, I FINALLY coerced everybody into going on "the hike" with me.....the hike that I fell in love with while living with Theo and Jessie for seven weeks. For a few minutes, I think I was the least popular of the group, but when we arrived on the top of the "mountain", everyone had a great time and was glad they did it. And.....the best part about it..... :) Theo brought his camera and documented the whole thing, making a seriously awesome video that I'm pretty sure could convince anyone that hiking is the funnest (yes, FUNNEST) thing ever!!! :)

And the cherry on top..... that fabulously handsome man making up the fourth person in our group!! :)


  1. Hi! I really "get" your blog. I too have contamination OCD, I understand the washing and washing and washing and getting control of some things, just to have other worries pop up, it is very exhausting! It is not fair that with this, as you described, you have to fight constantly to feel mentally free, you have to ignore the thoughts....all. day. long. I think this comes and goes in cycles, I hope you get out of your funk soon :)

  2. Thank you, Sarah, for your comment! Something about having others who know exactly what this feels like is soooo encouraging. It made me smile when you said "....all.day.long." Holy Moly.....I get that! :)

  3. "It's hard to come up with the words when my only explanation is a mere description of something that seems so trivial, so natural, so common."

    oh I could just cry reading those words. It's so hard to explain to other people. Hearing them say, "oh yeah, I do that too, it's no big deal." is crushing. It makes me feel like I'm a baby who whines about trivial things. It's hard to explain that you feel like you're under this huge THING.

    Hang in there Kristen...you've come really far and been such an inspration! A good, wise friend once told me, "it's not a relapse...it's a reminder." Sometimes we need to be reminded where we came from, so that we can appreciate how far we've come....how hard we've worked.

    the hike sounds like a blast!!

  4. I just came across this blog tonight. I have struggled with OCD for as long as I can remember and only when I went to see a psychiatrist about anxiety issues did he mention I have OCD as well. It did explain the behavior I exhibited.

    Anyhow, I am unfamiliar with your treatment background. I was curious to hear more about it as I do not talk to people with OCD hardly ever!

    My OCD has "evolved over the years with new compulsions to check the obsessive thoughts. To me, I performed the rituals to alleviate the thoughts that constantly played in m mind. Sort of like medicine though acted out physically by a ritual. I assumed you have tried different medicines in the past to help alleviate the thoughts. My rituals declined as the obsessive thoughts became under control. I suppose I am in favor of treating the obsessive thoughts rather than the compulsive behavior.

    I have been through extensive behavior modification therapy as it was called and went through some tough, toughhh situations to help my compulsive behavior. One blog you wrote talked about this. I tend to think it is helpful but only a little bit. It really took time, maturity, and medicine to help ease OCD symptoms. After a certain time doing the behavior modification therapy, I lashed out against those for putting me in certain "experimental" situations.

    I am not saying medicine does everything and behavior modification therapy does not help, I just figured I would ask you if you see this comment what your thoughts and background was with treatment.

  5. Kristen, do you have facebook? I would love to talk to you about your OCD. I also have OCD & I feel like noone understands what i'm going through. You've been such a motivation to me though! :)