Laughing at myself

Today was filled with highs and lows and even a moment of silly laughter. I started to smirk with embarrassment as I described to my behavioral specialist the physical sensation of “creepy crawlers” on my body when I come into contact with something that I perceive to be contaminated. When I smirked, he smirked and said, “It’s ok to laugh at yourself, you know.” So I did. We talked about the many silly beliefs that drive my compulsive behavior….and believe me I’ve had no shortage of humorous conversations trying to explain to people my obsessions and compulsions. People are intrigued, somewhat bewildered. People laugh, I laugh. I get it. Until now, I have only ever mentioned the funny side of my disorder because it was too risky to share my distress. I had a job to keep, an image to maintain, a family reputation to protect, friends I didn’t want to lose. The stakes were too high to admit that I needed help to battle a mental disorder that many, many people would probably discredit, and flippantly dismiss as made up or having “gone crazy.” Maybe I have gone crazy…crazy enough to realize that I didn’t like living that way anymore.