Sick on the couch.

Sigh.......I don't really know why I haven't been blogging recently. I have SO much I want to write about. Writing is so therapeutic for me too, so it's a little bewildering as to why I've almost been avoiding it. Don't know.

I've been a little under the weather today, with a gnarly head cold. Blah! The pressure between my nose and eyes makes me sneeze like crazy.....or at least makes me feel like I'm going to sneeze all the time. Ah-choo!

I still plan on blogging my thoughts on the last couple episodes of the OCD project, and I definitely want to share my thoughts on the International OCD Foundation convention my mom and I went to in DC. Oh, and I started doing yoga......have tons of things to share about that. :) And then there are all the "normal" day things that I've worked through, laughed through, cried through, and shrugged off with a "hmm."

I'm still alive, just haven't been lively on my blog lately.....or facebook, or email, or phone calls..... eeek!

Oh, and I have a super, super awesome story.....or follow up.....to my church post. Sooo fun!!

Ollie sings a song with Uncle Theo

Oh my goodness. My mom and I are in our hotel room in DC after a long but fabulous first day of the International OCD conference. We just watched the final episode of The OCD Project (which I will write about when I am less tired and more focused) and then were watching silly videos on Youtube. Good times. We came across this one, which was filmed a little over a year ago when my precious little nephew, Oliver, was born. He is three days old in this video and he is a star in the making!!! Oh my....my mom and I watched it twice and could not stop laughing!!!!! Sooooo funny!

Oh, Ollie....how you make my heart happy! :)

Shoes and dried vomit.

I just arrived in Washington DC and my hair immediately went from straight to FRIZZY. Holy moly! I need a shower…..and definitely a shower longer than 5 minutes. :) I am in DC for the International OCD Foundation (IOCDF) convention, and I am excited! I think it's going to be great. My mom flies in tomorrow, which I'm even more excited about!

I’m pretty sure airports and flying are perfect breeding grounds for anxiety…..even for the general population. For OCDers, that anxiety quickly morphs into a chaotic mess of obsessions and compulsions. It’s like anxiety on crack. There are triggers everywhere, with everything. The airport is one of my least favorite places to frequent....unless it's just to people watch. :) Everything seems overly grimy and disgusting, and the hustle and bustle just enhances it all. Going through security nearly brings about a panic attack every single time! The only thing my brain focuses on is all the shoes!!! Shoes everywhere. People taking off their shoes and throwing them on top of their bags and jackets and purses like it’s no big deal at all. In reality, it’s……probably……no……big……deal. That’s hard to say, because I’m still trying to grasp onto that fact. With my OCD frame of reference, it seems terrible! It feels paralyzing just watching people grab their shoes and toss them onto their stuff. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do that. ……it’s something to work towards, I supposes. Ugh….even just typing that caused my stomach to drop and tense, and my heart to beat faster. I hate this feeling. My mind is spinning. I feel nauseous.

On a funnier note…..

I board the plane in LAX, walk back to my seat….as in the back of the plane, back. I pretty much have the worst seat. Back of the plane, middle seat. My favorite. Having only had three hours of sleep, I am thoroughly looking forward to a nap on the plane. As if I haven’t been triggered enough in the two hours I’ve been awake, I find my seat and as I’m about to sit down I notice that there is dried vomit coating both sided of my seat belt. Oh HELL no! The two gentlemen sitting on either side of me were obviously confused with my half sitting posture which turned into a northbound leap. Still holding my bags, I quickly maneuvered my way around the guy sitting in the aisle seat, and walked straight back to the galley where I calmly informed the stewardess that I needed to be reseated.

I was reseated. :)

Video is up.

The Hollywood Hiking video is finally up! Woot-woot! :) To go back to the post in which it is embedded, click here.

The sani aisle.

I had to run to Target tonight to pick up a few things. As I was pushing my cart toward the laundry detergent section, I glided by an entire aisle of sanitizer wipes and disinfectant sprays. It was almost nostalgic....but a punch in the stomach all at the same time. It was a special moment, really. That sounds kinda silly, but it really was. I looked at all the different colors and sizes of the sanitizer wipes, which have always been my favorite.....well, the sanitizer wipes and the hand sanitizer and hand soap, and..... okay, maybe they were all my favorites. Whatever. Back to my original thought. :) I haven't bought any of those things since last October! A slight smile swept across my face as I looked at all my favorite sanitizing products, remembering how I felt so soothed each time I would use them. I felt myself desiring that feeling again. That soothing, calm, peace.....regardless of its fleeting presence. I wanted to buy just a couple products. "For old times sake," I told myself. "Just a couple won't hurt. And besides, I won't use them all the time. I'll just keep them around, like 'normal' people." When I realized the thoughts I was having, I then felt that punch to my gut that I'm all too familiar with. That flippin' parrot trying to make his home on my shoulder again. AHHHHH!!!! Literally, I felt like screaming......right there in the middle of Target. If I appeared normal before, me screaming while looking at Clorox wipes standing in an aisle in Target was bound to make me appear otherwise. :) At that point, I knew it was time for me to resist and keep putting one foot in front of the other until I got to my original destination of the laundry detergent section. It's weird how I have such an internal and emotional reaction to something so silly, so normal, so good. I didn't like it. I don't want to be affected by the sani aisle. Oh, but it represents such a dichotomy in my mind.

And all the cute little hand sanitizers they sell in the check out lane now. It's like they've come out with a million new versions since I "quit." :) Take them away, just take them away.

BUT....I choose to embrace those moments (and the grimy, unsanitized handle of my shopping cart), and be thankful for yet another exposure in which I triumph over!

Episode 7

Nothing soothes this frustrated female like a ginormous bowl of rocky road ice cream!!! :) Mmm, mmm, mmm!

I know I'm breaking my own rules of blogging about episode 7 before I've blogged my thoughts on episode 5 and 6......but oh well.

Tonight's episode was quite possibly the most frustrating episode yet! Episode six was probably the hardest, but tonight's definitely took the cake for ruffling my feathers. I literally felt my chest and arms breaking out in hives as I watched the part where I was told to spread urine all over my room. And yes, it was real urine. Warm, frothy, smelly urine, served fresh to me daily. Awesome. And even though I specifically asked not to know who the donor was, I conveniently found a picture on facebook of the generous person. Double awesome.

I know I've said this before, but what is sooo frustrating is that my desire to get better was constantly questioned by the person who was supposed to be helping me. It was never a matter of whether or not I wanted help......geez louise......to this day, I am sooo grateful and humbled for all the treatment I received. I wanted help, I needed help, but "help" caused me to feel paralyzed.....or at least the "help" that was being presented to me on the OCD Project. I didn't understand, and I wanted to. Tough love is a good thing, but torturous love......not so much. Ok, so maybe that is a little dramatic..... :) but, it felt like torture at times.

Dr. Tolin: "Kristen, Kristen! Your attitude is BS! You need to stop it!"

Me: "This is BS!"

Dr. Tolin: "If it's BS, then fire me, Kristen! You fight OCD or don't!"

That little conversation was actually quite humorous for me to watch, only because of the ironic foreshadowing to a conversation that Dr. Tolin and I would have two months later. I highly doubt it will be shown on next week's episode, but just in case it is, I won't go into detail until next week.

Cody, Arine and I were close buddies throughout the entire three weeks. We looked forward to our nightly, un-filmed conversations that we affectionately dubbed "our closet conversations." :) I miss those conversations......where we all spoke the same language without really having to say anything at all. The laughs, the tears, the deep conversations....such sweet memories. I love that they showed the part where Cody asked if I would kiss him with all the prosthetic deformities on his face. Even though I came across a little biaaatchy, I think I was actually quite supportive of Cody throughout that whole exposure. I'll call him tomorrow and ask him just to be sure. :) We even played a good game of tennis, and he would chase me with his crazy looking fake face, and I would freak out, we would laugh.....and then we were told to stop playing because sweat was making Cody's face melt off. Haha! :) Priorities, priorities!! :)

This has definitely been an interesting part of my journey.....watching the beginning of my treatment on TV. I think the basis of this show is actually quite amazing and fascinating. One of my goals was to help bring about awareness to a disorder that is so misunderstood, and through my own personal triumphs and also my frustrations, I have had amazing opportunities to do that. For that I am thankful. Other things I am so thankful for:

The Peace of Mind Foundation. I loose my words when I try to come up with an appropriate way to thank them. Liz, who is periodically seen on the OCD Project, started the Peace of Mind Foundation and generously offered to pay for aftercare for all six of us on the show. Had it not been for Liz and her foundation, I honestly don't know that my life would look any different today than it did nine months ago. Thank you, Liz!

My therapists at Roger's Memorial Hospital. Bless them! :)

My family. What a loud, boisterous bunch we can be.....but oh how life is sweet because of them.

Most importantly, I'm thankful for Jesus. His gentle grace is truly amazing!

Simple times and simple videos. (My brother's words)

The last few days have been a little rough for me. I felt myself starting to crash tonight.....as if I'm slipping into a funk. I don't like this feeling. It scares me. On Friday I noticed that I was performing rituals throughout my day more than I had in months. On Saturday it seemed to get worse. With every compulsion I gave into, it felt as if a thick river of guilt pumped through my veins. The fear that I'm relapsing has almost become an obsession in and of itself. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed.....like this curse will never leave me. When I feel like I have a handle on one set of obsessions, up springs a completely new set of fears and "what ifs." Will my mind ever rest? Will I ever truly be free?

In all honestly, the last couple of months since I've been home, I have felt different.....and in many ways and on many days, that different feeling is a good one......a liberated one. It just feels like it doesn't come easily though. It's a constant fight to feel free......if that makes any sense at all??

I just feel a little discouraged. I've been washing my hands more often for no "real" reason at all. I've been using more soap....several pumps at a time and repeating the cycle. Last night I rubbed my feet before getting into bed, and it took everything in me to stop, because it just didn't feel right yet. I am constantly shaking my right foot.....constantly. And my avoidance of things causes me to feel as though I am paralyzed. Ahhhh......the list of compulsions I've given into the last few days could go on and on...... I feel embarrassed. Ashamed. How do I ask for help? How do I explain my struggle? It's hard to come up with the words when my only explanation is a mere description of something that seems so trivial, so natural, so common. Checking the front door lock, washing my hands, rubbing "dirt" off my feet before getting into bed, wanting things to be perfect.... But, it's more than that. My silly compulsions are an eloquent masquerade for the inner distress I feel but don't know how to explain.

Visiting Theo and Jessie in Hollywood this last weekend was perfectly timed! I just love them. And I know I am loved by them. We turned life's simple moments into precious memories, and there's nothing that makes my heart smile more. On Sunday morning, I FINALLY coerced everybody into going on "the hike" with me.....the hike that I fell in love with while living with Theo and Jessie for seven weeks. For a few minutes, I think I was the least popular of the group, but when we arrived on the top of the "mountain", everyone had a great time and was glad they did it. And.....the best part about it..... :) Theo brought his camera and documented the whole thing, making a seriously awesome video that I'm pretty sure could convince anyone that hiking is the funnest (yes, FUNNEST) thing ever!!! :)

And the cherry on top..... that fabulously handsome man making up the fourth person in our group!! :)

Episode 3 - Thoughts from the "Princess."

Where do I even start.... I'm going to just quote a few lines from the episode and go from there.

These are Dr. Tolin's words:

"I'm a little worried about Kristen. She withdraws into herself. I can't tell if she's depressed. I can't tell if she's anxious. I can't tell if she's mad. I'm just not sure. I want Kristen to be so sick and tired of OCD that she is willing to be a little uncomfortable now in order to beat this OCD. If she can't drop the princess act, I don't know if she's going to be able to get better."

That's a pretty big statement. One that I think many doctors and renowned psychologists would strongly disagree with. I think the issue was more with the type of exposures and how they were being presented to me than with this so called "princess act" Dr. Tolin was referring to. I absolutely won't deny that I had an attitude at times, but it definitely was NOT because I wasn't motivated or wanting to get better. In fact, I specifically recall, on several occasions asking Dr. Tolin and the producers for any sort of literature and/or research on this type of therapy, so that I could better understand why I had to do things that seemed not only scary to me, but also a little ridiculous. Dr. Tolin's response to me was always something to the effect of, "Kristen, stop arguing and get with the program." It was frustrating to me then and it's frustrating to me now, because my intention was not to buck the system, rather it was to understand my disorder and the therapy that could help me get a handle on it. I wanted to understand so that I could be on board with my own treatment and work as a team with the people trying to help me. But, I didn't have access to internet, newspapers, tv, un-recorded phones or any form of media or literature where I could do my own research. So, yes, I was depressed. I was VERY anxious. And yes, I was mad. Those were good observations for someone who eluded to not being able to read me.

As for being sick and tired of OCD..... paaaalease. I hate OCD with every fiber in me! For goodness sakes......I don't even know what else to say about how much I hate it.....how much I wish I didn't have to deal with horrible anxiety.....or the complete embarrassment and shame I've felt for so many years because of my compulsions. I understood that exposures were going to be uncomfortable, and I was more than willing to be uncomfortable for three weeks....four months.....eight months....oh, even a few years. But there is a HUGE difference between uncomfortable and panicking. The treatment team at Roger's Memorial Hospital's OCD program said to me over and over and over again, "We want your exposures to be challenging yet manageable." Incredible, absolutely incredible! If exposures are challenging, yet manageable, then I am able to habituate not only while I'm doing the exposure, but also in between exposures as well. (For more of an explanation on this, click here.) The exposures I was being asked to do on The OCD Project were way, way, way too high up on my exposure hierarchy than what I should have been doing that early on in my treatment. They weren't effective because I was panicking, and they were never repeated enough times to allow for between trial habituation.

I felt tremendous shame when I was asked to shake hands with homeless people. It had nothing to do with the socioeconomics of the situation. In fact, my heart broke and I felt shame because I felt like we were totally patronizing the people who live on the streets of LA. We barge into their community with cameras and proceed to hand out $5 gift certificates to a fast food restaurant as we are asked to do things that from all outward appearances could easily be misinterpreted as very condescending to those living in that area. It just felt as though we were handing out $5 gift cards as a way of appeasing our conscious as we accomplished our own motives without regard for the feelings of anyone but ourselves. It just didn't feel right to me. It was hard on so many levels.... As far as my treatment was concerned, I could have reached the same end goal by shaking the hands of people in the house.

Ok, enough for now. More later.....

The quiet of the morning.

Wow, I've been terrible at blogging over the last couple weeks. It's definitely not because I have a shortage of words. Quite the contrary. It seems like work picked up for me overnight and now my days are extremely busy, which has been an adjustment for me in and of itself. Getting back into a work routine after several months of my focus being solely on recovery has been exciting and also overwhelming.

I have soooo many thoughts on the last two episodes. I have to grab some breakfast and get ready for my day so I don't have time to do my therapeutic writing at the moment, but oh.....how I want to dive right in. Writing is such an escape for me. Sometime it's hard for me to sit down and get started, but the moment I start stringing words together, everything around me seems to quiet down. Sometimes during my days when life feels a little too chaotic, I find myself pretending to write.....composing sentences as if I were journaling or blogging. :)

Anyway, I WILL share my thoughts on these crazy episodes...... soon.

Living with an OCDer.

Watching the OCD project was extremely heart wrenching. The thought of six individuals not being able to control their life or live one “normal” day. What is normal to them? Or who is normal? For the past year, I have lived with a “normal” roommate. Kristen has a great job, fabulous family, friends and a fun social life. And as many of you know she is a little over dramatic, or is that just passion? Passion to be normal? What ever the case, I look at her for her…a friend who is normal and passionate about life. Little did I know that she has been fighting for her free spirit and struggling to live what she sees as a normal life everyday.

Don’t think that you have to cater to people with OCD, it will only enable them. I am sure she gasps when I lay on the floor where dirty shoes have been, put my shoes on the couch, on my bed…or worst of all in my PURSE. Isn't that why we all have huge purses, in case our feet hurt and we need to change our shoes? :) Kristen told me that she had OCD when she moved in, but I shrugged it off and thought, "Don't we all?" I didn't know what she meant by that. Sure she loved to wash her hands and feet and hold onto moist paper towels, but I did not cater to her then so why should I now. The only difference is now I know what her triggers are and what her rituals look like and I support her so she can get better and let go of her internal struggle.

I do have to say, sometimes it is easy to make a joke out of her rituals. The night Kristen came home from The OCD Project to spend the night and film her “coming home” episode (Stay tuned, it is an intense one), she had only 30 seconds to wash her hands. Theo, Jessie and I all stood in the bathroom with the iPhone and counted down the seconds yelling at her to go faster and yelling “only one pump of soap”. It was great to see her count down with us and laugh about the fact that she washes her hands for way to long and easily uses 5 pumps of soap at a time.

Opening up about her OCD has changed Kristen as a person. I am finally seeing that “Free Spirit” in her which she and her family have always known her to be.

Living with an OCDer,

Michelle