Wednesday, December 23, 2009

The Clambering of Silence

I'm starting to feel a change. The possibilities are enough to form a list now. I don't know how I've gotten this place of simple freedom when day after day after day felt like a battering windstorm inside. There is a calm....a quietness that has shyly introduced itself. I am so familiar with the noise of racing thoughts, that the absence of them stun me. I tilt my head half questioning reality and half taking in the realization. As quickly as I am able to acknowledge the peace, the fear and doubt, the discouragement of all the things I feel like I still can't do take over. The fear is not as prominent with certain things, but it's as though my mind is scrabbling for things to still be scared of. My anxiety is subsiding.

I get extremely nervous writing about my progress, let alone thinking about it. If I acknowledge it, then I feel like it solidifies, or makes it more real, in some way, inviting the possibility of regress. If I verbalize progress, or the feeling of less anxiety, it opens up the flood gates of possible public failure, embarrassment, shame, weakness.

I will admit that there are two errors in my thinking, both of which I have been learning about during treatment.......
1. If I think something, then it makes it real.
- Not true, but hard to grasp, very hard to accept and even harder to believe.
2. If I regress, then I fail.
- Very "black or white" thinking. I'm learning how to find the shades of grey in much of life's situations.

1 comment:

  1. Oh, happy, happy! I'm filled with joy over your progress. I identify with some of your fears. I learned an acronym in my own recovery that I want to share with you: FEAR - False Evidence Appearing Real. I will continue to pray that you will focus on the "calm" and through this it will allow you to lose sight of the fear. Love and Hugs and more Love. xoxo