Friday, December 11, 2009

Friday night fun. Not so much.

It's Friday night. There's a million things I'd rather be doing. I hate the weekends here. Around 3:30ish on Friday afternoons, I start to feel panicky because I know all the therapists will be leaving soon. It's not like I can't survive on my own, so it's crazy that it affects me so much. I'm trying to figure it out.

I've been here 3 weeks and 1 day. I found out this morning that I'm at 16% on my hierarchy. I know that's good, but I feel apathetic. On Monday, I had my weekly appointment with the pychiatrist. Because of my near constant anxiety, she and the treatment team suggested that I begin taking an anti-anxiety medication. She knew that news would be hard for me to hear, because I really wanted to try to get my OCD under control without meds. I've always said that I'm not opposed to meds, and I'm the first one to console others when they struggle with taking them.....but its a little harder to practice what I preach. I've taken medication before for depression and also for my OCD when I was first diagnosed. I felt defeated then, and I feel defeated now. The independent, stubborn, and I suppose, prideful, part of me wants to do this without meds because "I'm strong enough" to. Why can't I believe the same words that I emphatically encourage others with?

1 comment:

  1. I very much understand where you are coming from on being reluctant to go on the meds. i have been struggling with going on anxiety meds myself for quite some time and I think I am finally ready. But I am beginning to look at it not as failure but more of as a means to an end. To help you work through the issues causing the anxiety without the added attacks. Once you have mentally conquered them, the reasoon for the meds floats away and so you don't need them anymore. At least that's where I decided to come from. I'm praying for ya girl!