Small pieces of heaven

I'm struggling to stay positive, so rather than focus on the negative, I'm gonna share a story about a moment today that made my heart smile and my free spirit soar.

On Monday's one of the therapists here (who happens to also be my personal therapist) runs a "Process Group." The group varies from week to week. Today, it was a 3 part group, and the last part of group was that we were going to go outside and play in the snow. Nothing is mandatory here so we were not forced to play in the snow, but it was a part of programming, therefore, encouraged. By the time we finished with part 1 and 2 of the group, I was struggling tremendously with racing thoughts, intense triggers, and ridiculously strong urges to ritualize.....so that I would feel better, so that I could go out and play in the snow....because that's what I wanted to be doing anyways. I felt paralyzed by my thoughts. I stared out the window watching everybody else, bundled up and cozy cute, sled down the hill we have in our front yard. The absent colored faces that I see everyday, and the eyes that are filled with constant fear and apprehension, were alive.....their cheeks were rosy not only from the winter air, but from the movement of smiles. Their eyes were not wet from tears, but moistened from the exhilaration and the air that they cut though as they flew down the hill on a plastic sled. Warm tears tumbled down my face as I watched. I wanted to be out there. I was angry that I wasn't.

I was paralyzed by my thoughts......my thoughts of how angry I was that someone put their shoes up on the couch during group, contaminating it, eliminating a place for me to sit, and therefore ruining my day. This reaction is all too familiar. I get angry at an unknowing person as if they did something terribly wrong, when in reality it is my OCD....the overwhelming fear I have about a specific thing or action....and has nothing to do with the person at all. My misdirected anger jails me. I am defeated every time. I miss out on life.....big things and small.

As I continued looking out the window, I concluded that I would do the exact opposite thing that my OCD thinking would have me do.....and to be honest, I was skeptical as to the outcome, even though all the behavioral therapists swear by it. So, out of pure spite, I put on a second pair of sweats, my leopard rain boots :) , and finished pulling on my beanie and gloves as I walked toward the hill. Several people cheerfully offered a sled to me before I could even reach the snow-packed sledding track. I sat on the sled and took off down the hill. When the sled came to a stop at the bottom of the hill, I half-smiled.....it was a little fun. I walked to the top of the hill, sat down and took off again. This was pretty fun. I smiled. I was forgetting to stay angry. I sorta ran to the top this time, and when it was my turn again, eagerly hopped on the sled, this time giddy with excitement and smiled all the way down the snowy slope. I had completely forgotten I was angry, and all of a sudden the shoes on the couch and all the other triggers from group didn't seem like that big of a deal anymore. They had NOT gotten the best of me. I had broken out of my jail. I was living.

A couple hours later, I was sitting at the kitchenette table when a big, burly guy walked past me and said, "Hi Kristen. Did you have fun today?"
I said, "Uh-huh. Did you?"
He looked at me and with the biggest smile I've seen on his face since arriving here, he said, "Ya, it was the best time I've had since I was a kid."

This guy is a full grown man. A dad. A US solider.

I wish I could explain the moment better. It was amazing. I was in awe of the joy that his free spirit had brought him. It may have been just for a moment, but that moment is hope. From my own experience, I know that we have missed so many moments of joy, so many small pieces of heaven, because of the destructive power we have given to irrational thoughts. Even more than the excitement of sledding, this man's simple statement made me soooo happy. I was excited for him. For years, he fought for the freedom of his entire country.....and now he's fighting for his own free spirit.

Not only would I have denied myself the opportunity to defy my OCD, I would have missed out on the opportunity to share in this man's victory had I chosen to stay irrationally angry.